The Dubious Chymist: December 2005

I felt bad about saying, without any evidence, that that Trish Stratus was the only female wrestler that didn’t look like a man. So here is the evidence. I’m not saying that these “women” are men but they are pretty dam blokey.

Sharmell Sullivan – 1991 “Miss” Black America and “wife” of Booker T (I hope he never comes to Yorkshire)

Victoria (AKA Lisa Marie Veron) – Former “women’s” Champion

Jillian Hall – For Guys who like their “women” short and butch.

Lilian Garcia – Is it a man or an ugly women. This is a classic transvestite pose using the logic 'in these tight pants I can’t have a penis - you’d be able to see it.'

Kristal Uzelac – look at the fake breasts lads and you might not notice the Adam’s apple.

Melina Perez – Melina it’s even a transvestite name.

Torrie Wilson – “Hey you! I’m going to take you to a gay bar gay bar gay bar”

Less than an hour to go in the Yorkshire derby where the might Huddersfield Town take on the obscure Barnsley. Its going to be a dog fight as both teams mascots are dogs.

The “ever popular” Terry the Terrier

The “what kind of dog is that supposed to be” Toby the Tyke.

There are more male Superheroes then you can shake a stick at Batman, Superman, The Flash, Spiderman, The Hulk, Hercules to name just a few, but there seems to be scant few Female Superheroes. The only one that jumps immediately to mind is Wonder Woman (Wonder Women and British Wrestling were what Saturdays dinnertimes were made for) played by Lynda Carter.

Wonder Women came from a Planet of Greek Goddesses who were invariable played by Lynda Carter in an unconvincing blond wig.

She had a alter ego, Diana Prince, played by Lynda Carter with in the greatest disguise known to man: Glasses.

She had an invisible plane that she could fly about in. Basically Lynda Carter sat in front of a blue screen. I really have seen every thing now how can they make a “replica” of an invisible plane.

Following on from the post about Tess Daly “Boob job” I thought I’d try and get a few more hits by naming some page 3 girls, ah the lowest comment denominator. A search on The Sun’s site shows that apparently Keeley finished Third, Fifth, Seventh, Eighth and Tenth in a top ten “Page 3 girls poll” it’s a shame that the lads at the sun are so bad at adding up she might have won!

I’d never herd of her before but Keeley won the 2004 Page 3 idol contest which makes her the Michelle McManus of glamour world, lucky her. So if your looking for Keeley naked, Mr Hand Job Keeley, Keeley Boob job you have comne to the wrong place. Oh and by the way the growing number of people looking for Micheal Portillo gay escort you’ve come to wrong place too.

Here is a internet rarity a photo of Keeley with any clothes on!

Trish Stratus ti the exception that proves the rule, she a female bodybuilder/wrestler that doesn’t look like a man, enjoy.

I went to donate blood today, I kid people that I believe that because I’m B Negative I should get to use an express lane but in truth I believe that everyone should get the same treatment.

The problem is that we don’t all get the same “level of care” in the NHS. I noticed that the people who were taking the blood had badges which stated their name and position, for example Karen - Sister, or Susan – Nurse, or in my case Trevor – Transport. Transport!!!! the guy who took my blood was the bloke they got to drive the bloody van!

Until a few moments ago I thought that the Tottenham manager Martin Jol was a suave and sophisticated foreigner who was a walking embodiment of continental footballing knowledge.

Apparently he’s just a fat Brummie who used to play for West Brom!

ITN News reported two stories that just did not make sense today.

Story one there has been so much snow today that several major travel routes have been closed down, including the channel tunnel. Yes that’s right the channel tunnel was closed down due to much snow, personally I would have thought that the snow fall would not be too bad under the English channel. I recon that the channel tunnel is just a cover for a secrete government base like on Star Gate SG1, So what they really mean when they say that several transport links have been closed due to snow fall is that the earth is under attack from aliens run!!!!

The other story was that after Sweden the UK are the county in the EU which is coming closest to achieving the targets under the Kyoto treaty. Then they went on to take about that oil depot in Hemel Hempstead that been on fire for days if not weeks. So let me get the straight we’re the second most environmentally friendly country the EU and Our oil refiners resemble those in the south of Iraq as the Imperial guard beat a hasty retreat.. What the F*** are the French and Germans doing? Driving 18 wheel trucks to work?, replacing all energy saving light bulbs with 100w? (painted blue to reduce the glare of course - red in Holland), and burning each others houses down as a cheap alternative to central heating?

Have you ever noticed some football teams fans sing really random songs Sheffield United sing John Denver’s “You fill up my senses!, Rotherham Sing “One man went to mow”, but most confusing is Man U fans signing “The Blaydon races”. I just don’t get that I mean “The Blaydon races” is a song about the Newcastle area and Manchester United are from yes you guessed it ….. Salford. Whats next will Man City start running out to Gazza’s ”Fog on the Tyne”?

What’s wrong with this picture?

Most people would think not Very much, but not me. Cheryl Tweedy has managed to disqualify herself from my list of fantasy women by committing a cardinal sin, namely getting a stupid tattoo.

I could forgive her being Miss October in the Girls Aloud 2006 calendar (why October? My Birthday has been and gone by then!), but this is a step too far. Why has she done this just before Christmas I will have look for a new festive stocking filler.

My wife said today that the reason the Doctor Who has been doing so well in the ratings lately is because Billie Piper is the “sexist” companion the Doctor has had. I was going to trawl through the net to prove her wrong but the prospect of looking for a sexy Doctor Who female co-stars is as thrilling as judging a “Miss Shipley Asda” competition so I think I will give it a miss.

Here a question. Adric, was it a man or a woman?

I’ve known about the “Mr Hand Job” car wash in Morley for some time but apparently there is one in Doncaster now too. How on earth can this brand take off? I find it hard enough to believe that people would rather trust their cars to bunch illegal immigrants and ex-cons as it, never mind the company with a name that would be better suited to a gay escort service.

You would think that decent society would have shunned this company but no. On the MANTA website the advert for “Mr Hand Job” is sponsored by “Euro-Bearings Ltd” who apparently specialise in “… ball bushings, housings and shafts” . This can not be an innocent mistake, I’m all in favour of trying to get as many hits on your web site as possible by using dodgy language (Tess Daly boob job) but this takes the biscuit.

This blog gets an inordinate amount of hits from the google search for “Tess Daly boob job” and jugging by the other site that search brings up you guys don’t want to talk about silicon implants.

This blog will not comment on Tess Daly’s sexual antics, Tess Daly’s boobs/baps/breasts/rack/fun sacks, or Tess Daly naked. This blog does however remain committed to getting hit’s for “Tess Daly boob job” so I will apologise for the frequent references to Tess Daly and her boobs.

For any one who is a Tess Daly fan, here is a picture, sorry this site has been tring to stay as clean as possible so it’s not Tess Daly naked.

Is it just me or does anyone else want the big companies to get one over on BBC’s Watchdog just to wipe the smug smiles off the faces of Julia Bradbury, Nicky Campbell, and Paul Heiney.

The must have toy this Christmas is the Xbox 360. Things really haven’t changed that much in 1977 the most have toy was the brand new Atari VCS ( later renamed the 2600). So this will be the 28^th consecutive Christmas that children have nagged their parents for the latest consoles, and I wonder just who many of that lucky few that unwrapped a VCS in 77 will have bought their offspring an a 360 this year.

One thing however has changed, I can’t imagine a shop assistant in Dixon’s asking if you want your Xbox 360 in Silver or if you want it wood panelled.

Do you ever wonder what happened to late 90’s pop princes Lolly (Anna Kumble). Apparently she decided to pursue a career in children’s TV, which may have something to do with her second album failing to chart! I guess despite what this picture may show she was one of the losers in the pop game.

I’ve looked at quite a few Lolly fan sites, but by fair my favourite was the official site that was created 19 October 1999 and last updated 29 December 1999.

After “Quack”’s post on the last article I have done a quick search to see if there are any Porn Stars with the same names as Ford cars. All I can find is:

Sierra, Jordan Capri, Michael Scorpio, and Steve Maverick.

Have you noticed there is a plethora of Porn magazines named after Ford’s Fiesta, Escort, and Razzle.

It has been announced this week that Asda are to start selling sex toys. Has the world gone mad are Tesco’s going to start selling hardcore porn? Are Morrison’s going to start pimping out there staff?

I feel sorry for the lonely young lady who buys a vibrator during her weekly shop, You can just imagine the conveyor belt stacked with microwave meals for one and sex toys, why don’t they just hand out I’m a loser T-Shirts.

One worrying thought is who would buy a sex toy that had been “Whoops”ed?

You see a lot of blogs which carry the logo “Impeach Bush” well I want to start an “Impeach Blair” campaign.

I am not doing this because of the war in Iraq, or because of his desire to suck up to America, or even because I believe that every other member of parliament (Gordon Brown for example) could do a better job. I’m starting it because he’s such a none entity. Look at some of the Prime Ministers we’ve had in the past, Churchill was a alcoholic, Thatcher was an egomaniac, Eden went mad and invaded Egypt, and Major ran away from the circus to become an accountant.

What’s Blair done? Appeared on T4 with that annoying June Sarpong (Impeach June Sarpong!) and lied about being into pop music and football. Mind you I know exactly what would happen if we did get rid of Blair.

“Industria Et Spe” is the motto at the bottom of Skipton’s coat of arms. Literally translated it means Labour and hope, or to put it another way if you work hard you might get what you want.

This is eerily similar to the sign at the gates of Auschwitz that states “Arbeit macht frei” which means work will set you free.

Twenty odd years ago Britain had not produced a decent Heavyweight Boxer in living memory and no-one was that bothered. Suddenly Bruno and Lewis come along and all of a sudden the country has the expectation that we should be producing world class Heavyweights. And what have we produced recently?

Audley Harrison!

But never mind all we have to do is set him up some easy fights against opponents that couldn’t beat an egg and as if by magic ….. We have a new British Boxing hero.

His next fight looks a bit tricky though.

Versus

Necromancy is where a someone talks to the dead through the use of science or magic. For example Tess Daly talking to Bruce Forsyth.

It occurred to me the other day I use verbs every day and don’t know if I am/we are conjugating them correctly.

For example, the phase “She is minging” we know that the lady in question is being ugly right now. i.e. Lorraine Kelly

But what if lady in question looked ugly in the past., would the sentence be “She manged”? i.e. Sarah Green

What if someone was ugly in the past and was becoming better looking with time, “She is unmanging” i.e. Sporty Spice Mel C

Before

After

And finally what if someone is/was/will be ugly in the past, present, and future, “She is mingmangmooing” i.e. Venessa Feltz

Past

Present

Future

For anyone who doubts the scientific credentials of Phrenology, take a look at this:

I can’t wait for the return of “Ask Ann Widdecombe”, it’s a sort of agony aunt program but instead of friendly advise you get exactly the type advice you’d expect from the darling of the right-wing. Here are some of my favourite pearls of wisdom.

Q. My boyfriend wants to get a tattoo on his face, what should I do?

A. Tell your Boyfriend not to get a tattoo of his face.

Q. My 16 year old daughter wants a boob job, what should I do?

A. Tell your 16 year old daughter not to get a boob job.

Q. My husband has been out of work of two year, what should I do?

A. Tell your husband to get a job,

Q. My housemate never cleans up after himself and the house is a mess, what should I do?

A. Tell you housemate to clean up after himself.

Q. I can’t stop buying new clothes which I can ill afford, what should I do?

A. Stop buying new clothes.

I must say that it a sign that I’m getting older that I listen to people like Ann Widdecombe, MIcheal Portillo, and even dare I say it David Mellor, and think I might not like you but I can’t disagree with what your saying.

I’m really excited about the future of radio!

According to this mornings episode of “Click On-Line” of BBC News 24 digital radio will one day become so advanced that radio channels will broadcast moving picture along with the audio signal so we will actually be able to see the people who are talking/singing.

This will be revolutionary and in will certainly change my life, although the idea does seem familiar. Now what was it they used to call that sort of thing ………………… Oh yes! Television!!!

What a pointless program “Crime Stoppers” was it’s either grainy CCTV pictures that you can’t even the make ot the gender of the suspect, or it’s “can you help this man is suspected of stealing a Mars bar from a petrol station in Rotherham”.

The latest series of “I’m a Celebrity Get me Out of Here” has got me thinking it can be that long before the next series of “Celebrity Big Brother” is here. But who will be on it? Thinking about it we can make an educated guess.

These programs all follow the same format 10 “Z” list Celebrities, 5 male and 5 female which comprise: old pop star, younger pop star, model/glamour modal, old sports star, disgraced public figure, disgraced celebrity, former children’s presenter, out of work presenter, a relative of someone famous, and the ever popular random American who is just slightly more popular then the rest. so here my prediction,

1. old pop star – Peter “Herman’s Herits and QVC sales man” Noone

2. younger pop star – Faye “I used to stand at the back in Steps” Tozer

3. model/glamour modal – Jo “At about time for my annual attempt to lose the porn image” Guest

4. old sports star – Joe “was I really world snooker champion?” Johnson

5. disgraced public figure – David “The ‘Official Secretes Act’ doesn’t apply to me” Shayler

6. disgraced celebrity – Gillian “I was into dogging when Stan Colymore could still play football” Tayleforth

7. former children’s presenter – Gail “didn’t she used to be a sex symbol?” Porter

8. out of work presenter – Jenny “ I’ve got a First in my Degree and The only job I could get was turning numbers” Powell

9. a relative of someone famous – Shajaad “My son’s a boxer and I am the only person not on a Crimean War recruitment poster to were a union jack waist coat” Kahn

10. random American who is just slightly more popular then the rest – David “I make my money by talking about how I was bigger then the Beatles – for 12 seconds” Cassidy

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