The Dubious Chymist: January 2006

With twelve days to go till the opening ceremony of the Winter it’s time for my final post on crappy Olympic mascots.

Atlanta 1996

“Izzy” was the mascot for the Atlanta games and if the definitive proof that you can’t be creative by committee.

Sydney 2000

Apart from being a cheesy as hell “Olly”, “Syd”, and “Millie” were probably on first inspection some of the most sensible mascots, that is until you find out that “Millie” is supposed to be an echidna IT Guru.

Athens 2004

“Athena” and “Phevos” seemed to be a couple of walking sex toys.

During of the commentary for the Brentford verses Sunderland game on Match of the Day the commentator said about Sam Sodje “He’s not Efe he’s his brother”.

In 1805 a French ship was wrecked off the coast of Hartlepool. The only thing to make it to shore alive was the ships monkey mascot which had been dressed in French naval uniform. The residents of the town tried to interrogate the monkey and when no information was forthcoming they hung the monkey.

Just over 200 years later a nation newspaper reported that a monkey had been served with an ASBO.

Don’t worry we’re nearly finished.

Lillehammer 1994

The Norwegians could not be bothered putting any imagination into their mascots and you can really tell, “Haakon and Kristin” were the runners up in Norway’s 1994 “Rosie and Jim Idol” compertion.

Nagano 1998

How did the country that gave the world Pokemon, Transformers, Sonic the Hedgehog, and The Super Mario Brothers manage to come up with “The Snowlets”. Mind you “The Snowlets” were later the inspiration for South Park “Oh My God! They Killed Tsukki! You B*******! “

Salt Lake City 2002

Finally in 2002 the marketing guys start to get on the right lines. Salt Lake City had three mascots each one represented one of the words of the Olympic mottp, “Powder” – Faster, “Copper” – Higher, and “Coal” – (Stronger). Just one question what does a boxing bear have to do with winter sport?

Astrology is the science of predicting the future by carefully observing the night time movements of the stars. The great thing about Astrology is that other people can gather the information for you

For example I can predict that an early morning chat show host will soon be arrested for public indecency.

You May well ask how? It’s quite simple, a recent hit on this website was a result of the search “Lorraine Kelly Dogging” Q.E.D.

It’s time for the first Too Much Information Friday.

Asda have started to sell tear away male thongs, as warn by strippers. The other day I saw a fat pensioner in a mobility scooter buying one.

There are to possibilities either he’s spicing up his sex life or they are doing the “Full Monty” at the old folks home! I don’t know which image is worse.

As promised here are some crappy Olympic mascots of yesteryear to celebrate the run up to the 2006 winter games.

Today will focus on the remained mascots from year which boasted both a winter an a summer Olympiad.

1980: Lake Placid and Moscow

Lake Placid gave as “Roni” the raccoon who was designed to help the athletes in the winter games to remember to wear their goggles at the winter games, God I bet that was useful because if your sport needs goggles how on earth could you get to Olympic level without realising! Moscow gave us “Misha” the bear pictured here with the WCW Television Championship belt which he stole from those decadent capitalists in the west.

1984: Sarajevo and Los Angeles

Sarajevo chose “Vuckko” the friendly wolf, who was 90% lamer than Casper the friendly ghost. Los Angeles was defended by “Sam” who succeeded in scaring “Misha” away from the games.

1988: Calgary and Seoul

“Howdy and Hidy” were the completely logical chose for the Calgary winter games as Calgary hhas neither any polar bears or cowboys. Seoul’s mascot “Hodori” now works at the Haven holiday camps.

1992: Albertville and Barcelona

“Magique” the half-man half-star 100 percent crapy fez wearing freak was the mascot of the Albertville games. Contra to popular belief the mascot of the Barcelona games was not Freddie Mercury but in fact “Cobi”

The Dubious Chymist has just had its two thousandth hit, here is a list of the searches used for the last hundred visitors to the site:

rory the tiger is a cartoon tiger from haven holidays
jillian hall
asylum pegg wright Lovett
stan colymore
diane youdale 2006
julia bradbury married
naked lolita divas
dr gillian quack
cheryl tweedy right hand tattoo
transvestites maury
model sophie howard
gillian tayleforth sexy pictures
episode where diana prince is on conveyor belt
leeds canal dogging
iran sheik wrestler cocaine bust
melina perez
ryan giggs genetic mixed parent
brian nobel from Huddersfield
what are the names of the godzila characters
iranian clubs iron sheik
lucy pinder
melina transvestite
liverpool fc merchandise xxxxl shirts
eriksson name 3 premiership clubs scandal blog
svengate
sophie howard model
tess daly boob job
natalie pike soccer am
tess daly boobs
melina perez breasts
faria alam
chicken tekka
bertolli ads
iron sheik marissa
tess daly breasts
rise of the cybermen
john fashanu gladiator tv sound effects
tess daly coat
cheryl tweedy tattoo
pukka pies

I was trying to do a post on one Pseudoscience a month but couldn’t be bothered waiting so the feature will be weekly until further notice.

Dowsing is the science of locating water underground, the adept can use a a multitude of methods to find water which include using Dowsing Rods, Sticks, a pendulum, or even being able to sense water with their own body.

The Greatest “Dowser” of all time is Fred Talbot, the weather man from “Richard and Judy”, whose powers are so great water appears below any land he is stood on!

Is anyone else disturbed by the Norwich Union advert, the one with the grandmother and the cup of tea?

Basically Gran is going to take her grandson a cup of tea but when she gets to his door she hears him shout out “Yes! Yes! I Love You!” passionately so Gran decides not to interrupt and goes back down stairs and says he’s just like his Grandad. But wait a minute Gran has not seen anyone else come into the house, nor has she herd anyone else crying out in passion. Are we to assume that Grandad used to spend a lot of time on his own locked in his bedroom nosily knocking one off the wrist!

This morning at the petrol station I happened to notice that the only national newspaper which had not chosen to lead with that story about the whale in the Thames was the Daily Sport who had gone with a story about a women whose been arrested for paedophilia. For the first time in history it appears the Sport can claim the moral high ground!

It appeared that the main stream press had let us down today until I saw the full page article on page 3 of today’s Telegraph and Argus. Basically the writer of the article is upset the Seabrook's crisps will now be sold in those foil bags instead of old plastic kind. Thank God for the integrity of the local media, I wonder if they give a Pulitzer prize for the best newspaper article about crisps!

There is currently a petition on the web to get Seabrook’s to revert to the original plastic bags. It has been signed by 84 people and no I’m not one of them.

I was going to do a post about worlds worst football manager and all round shady character Mick Wadsworth but I know I could do the subject justice, so I’ll just say check out this website.

http://www.mickwadsworth.co.uk/

Wadsworth seems to caught controversy, and rumours of paedophilia were floating around the internet prior to his appointment at Huddersfield. Wadsworth managed the Democratic Republic of Congo national team, when most respectable manager would avoid a job in a Marxist country. So on reflection refusing to leave Huddersfield Town because they couldn’t pay off his contract doesn’t seem that bad.

As inconceivable as it may be now thirty years ago the Winter and the Summer Olympics where held in the same calendar year, at Innsbruck and Montreal respectively.

1978 was a partially poor year for advertising and the best mascots that they could think of were; the “Innsbruck Snow Man” and “Amik the Montreal Beaver”.

As promised in the run up to the Winter Olympics here’s another random mascot. In fact the 1972 Munich games saw the birth of the Olympic mascot.

“Waldt” was a dachshund native to Bavaria he stood for resistance, tenacity, agility, and gaiety. I don’t know, a dog with pick strips Waldt could well have been the only gay in the “Olympic” village.

The 20^th Winter Olympics is just over 3 weeks away and will this year be held in Turin.

Now the official position of “The Dubious Chymist” is that due to England’s vastly in creased chance of winning medals that the greatest international sporting event is the Commonwealth games, but let’s put that aside for one moment. If you ask me the greatest part of the Olympic movement is to try to guess which crappy mascot the host city has chosen this year. Since the seventies each city (whether it be summer or winter host) has chosen a mascot that has nothing at all to do with that city or sport, and building up to the games I will be mocking my favourites.

First it the turn of Turin 2006:

Neve (red) is a snow ball and Gliz (blue) is an ice cube. They seem blissfully unaware that they are going to spend the next three weeks being skied over, skated on, and Bobsledded down, that should wipe the smile off their smug faces!

Do you ever get the impression that TV gives you unrealistic expectations of life, while at the same time being completely hypocritical. On one hand people are outraged but the amount of teenagers having sex on the other hand you have programs aimed at teens and pre-teens that promote a promiscuous life style. Like many of you I wasted a good many Saturday mornings watching “Saved by the Bell” it seemed that Zack had a new girlfriend every week and according to the fan sites he must have done. Here is a quick look at the notches on Zack’s bed post, oh and remember Zack was the only one of the main male cast to go out with all three female members of the cast. When you consider that for most of this time Zack was supposed to be going out with Kelly it’s quite an impressive list:

Carla
Danelle (a College girl Zack goes out with when he’s in “8^th Grade”)
Joanna Peterson
Kelly’s sister!
Mr Belding’s Niece!
Girl in wheelchair”! (he didn’t know her name but any port in a storm)
Wendy Peaks (a “large” girl who pay him to go out with her)
Stacey Carosi (His bosses daughter)
Andera
Krystee (School’s female wrestler)
Jenifer (the school Nurse!!!!!!!)
Slater’s sister!
(He even hit on Slater in one episode)
Laura (A homeless girl he meets)
Tori
Leslie (Kelly’s college roommate)

We never saw the episode where Zack confesses to sleeping with women who paid him, men, and homeless people, so Kelly makes him go to the clap clinic!

The internet and men’s magazines are full of top ten (or even hundred) sexiest women lists so I thought I’d be a bit more creative. Here a list of ten ladies who were passable a few years ago but have not been in the public eye recently. Before any one asks yes this idea was inspired by Jet from gladiators in the last post. And remember the criteria to get on the list isn’t to be sexist just passable!

10. Katie Hill (Blue Peter)

9. Renee O’Connor (Sidekick Gabrielle in Xena)

8. Lisa Scott Lee (Just one of the five people in Steps who couldn’t sing)

7. Jadzia Dax from DS9 (Let’s get this straight Dax the character not Terry Farrell the actress she was just annoying)

6. Tiffani Amber Thiessen (Beverly Hills 90210)

5. Diane Youdale (Jet from Gladiators and the Games Mistress from Games World)

4. Kristen Cloke (Space Above and Beyond)

3. Linsay Amaou (from B*Witched)

2. Emily Booth (why else would anyone watch Bravo’s Mission Paintball)

1. Anna Kumble (Cheesy pop sensation Lolly)

Saturday nights used to be the pinnacle of TV for the week and a few months ago it looked as if maybe once again. Doctor Who on BBC1 had “lay the Smackdown”, so to speak, on ITV’s Celebrity Wrestling and it looked as if the ill advised z-list celebrity show was on the way out. I fear that this may however have been a false dawn as ITV seem to have gone into overload churning out pointless one show after another. Soap Star Superstar and Dancing on Ice now taking up the Saturday evening schedule.

Soap Star Superstar is just the rejects from celebrity Stars in Their Eyes and as for ITV attempt to make ice skating trendy – “Dancing on Ice” more like Muppets on Ice they better hope you can’t pick up ITV on Sesame Street otherwise Big Bird will be suing them for infringement of copyright.

If they are obsessed with cheesy family entertainment on Saturday evenings why don’t they bring back Gladiators with the evil Wolf, John “Awoogah” Fashanu, and that “Jet” bird would could do the splits stood up. Now that was entertainment!

Jet AKA Diane Youdale AKA Stretch Armstrong. How on earth did she do it?

As the Svengate debacle enfolds perhaps it’s time to by a bit introspective about the England manger.

As if flying off to the middle east to discuse a new job while your still under contract with the FA, slagging off your star players, and talking about filling a position that isn’t currently vacant was bad enough it’s not exactly the first time Sven has been in trouble. Let’s forget about Sven-Goran Eriksson upsetting the FA, O’Leary, Beckham, Ferdinand, and Rooney. for a moment. and look at what we’ve already had to forgive him for:

The Faria Alam sex scandal, Ulrika Jonsson sex scandal, and secrete talks about the Chelsea job (while under contract with England). Even if we leave his personal life out of the equation there is still the little matter of losing to Northern Ireland, and if all that wasn’t enough managing England to their worst defeat in living memory at the hands of Denmark.

People have blamed the News of the World for causing the latest problems but I think the article does make us ask one important question.

How many more chances are we going to give this man?

Yesterday they said on radio Leeds that the Bradford City managers job could be in jeopardy. My wife was outraged because as she said “Chris Kamara has done a good job”. Well I have to agree he did do a good job but he also left Bradford City 8 years ago. My wife seems to have been completely oblivious to the comings and goings of Paul Jewell, Chris Hutchings, Jim Jefferies, Nicky Law, Bryan Robson, Colin Todd, and the little matter a promotion and two relegations. Still nine out of ten for effort.

Out of the “Modern Library Editorial Board 100 Best Books” (of the last century) I have only managed to read the following:

# 9: 1984 by George Orwell
# 11: Lolita by Vladmir Nabokov
# 16: Brave New World by Aldous Huxley
# 17: Animal Farm by George Orwell
# 47: The Wonderful Wizard of Oz by L. Frank Baum
# 49: A Clockwork Orange by Anthony Burgess
# 72: The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams

Out of the “100 Years, 100 Stinkers” (the 100 worst films of the last century) I have seen in Alphabetic order.

Armageddon (1998)
The Avengers (1996)
The Blair Witch Project (1999)
Caddyshack II (1998)
The Care Bears the Movie II: A New Generation (1986)
Drop Dead Fred (1991)
Godzila (1998)
Grease II (1982)
Highlander (1991) What!!!!!! See post #106
Howard the Duck (1986)
Hudson Hawk (1991)
Independence Day (1996)
Last Action Hero (1993)
Lost in Space (1998)
Mars Attacks (1996)
Morth (1994)
Pokemon (1999)
Police Academy (1984)
Popeye (1980)
Rocky V (1990)
Speed 2 (1997)
Spice World (1998)
Star Trek: The Motion Picture (1979)
Star Wars: The Phantom Menace (1999)
Stop! or My Mom Will Shoot (1992)
Superman IV (1987)
Twin Peaks (1993)
Waterworld (1995)
Weekend at Bernie’s (1989)
Weekend at Bernie’s II (1993)

I think I’ve wasted my life!

I know the film has many critics, people say it is one of the worst series of films of all time, and I do have to admit that the sequels are pretty dodgy, but…

I think that Highlander is one of the greatest films of all time, okay it’s not Citizen Kane but it is in my top ten! From the fantastic cinematography in Scotland, to the amazing special effects (considering that it was made 20 years ago), and a fantastic sound track by Queen.

There can be only one.

The BBC have announced the return of the Cybermen in an up coming episode of Doctor Who entitled “Rise of the Cybermen”. The Doctor’s worst (non Darlek) enemy has had a make so extreme you would forgiven for thinking that it they had had the “Max Power” treatment was it not for the lack of a Burberry baseball cap, and a scantly clad glamour model. The first Cybermen were seen in the 1966 episode “The Tenth Planet” and were basically a man in a silver suit with a flash light on his head and an office fan strapped to his belly. Of cause new audiences would never stand for those kind of low budget effects, its the same in every Sci-Fi show. Klingons have suddenly evolve ridges on there foreheads, Clyons can now take on human form, and Yoda can now do back-flips.

You have to take your hat off to people that buck this trend, such as the guy that came up with the 1920’s design for Satan’s Robot in the 1998 Star Trek Voyager episode “Night”. Why blow millions on CGI graphics when you can just use cardboard and silver spray paint.

So you have decided to get rich quick by selling forged auto autographs on e-bay. The most valuable autography is that of William Shakespeare a copy of his signature would set you back around $5 million.

So get learning it!

All you need now is some ink from around the turn of the Seventeenth century, a first edition of Hamlet, and a pay pal account and your off.

“Dr” Gillian McKeith is synonymous with the phrase “You are what you eat”, so I guess in her case she must sit down to a heaped bowl of “Honey Nut Phoney Qualification Loops” for breakfast, have “Quack Burgers” for lunch, and a supper of “Delusions of Grandeur Pie”.

“Dr” Gillian sent off for her (non accredited) MA and PhD from a college will give out postgraduate qualifications for $60, although they most likely accept the stickers from the side of Robison’s jam jars as an alternative. So this means that “Dr” Gillian is as much a Doctor as say “Captain” America is a Captain, unfortunately the similarity ends there as Captain America is a fictional character and “Dr” Gillian is not.

“Dr” Gillian’s latest statement boggles belief she apparently does not believe in calories. Okay, so I she’s saying she doesn’t believe in a measure of energy, well it that case we don’t need to eat, pay the gas bill, or recharge our mobile phones because “Dr” Gillian thinks vitamins are all we need. Calories, Joules, and Watts are obviously just a plot by disreputable “scientists” to sell more diet Coke. I doubt she will be financially responsible for any one who had to take the car in for repair after filling the tank with orange juice.

So all in all if you want diet advice ask Captain America he might be a two dimensional cartoon character but at least he fights truth, justice, the American Way, and the first law of thermodynamics.

It doesn’t matter if it’s the “WWE Chaos: Divas” set featuring Lita, Jacqueline, Ivory, Dawn Marie, Stacy Keibler, Nidia, Molly, Jazz, Torrie Wilson, Victoria, Terri, Trish Stratus, Sable, Miss Jackie, Shaniqua, and Gail Kim.

Star Trek: The Motion Picture cards, one free with every loaf of medium white sliced.

American Civil War cards, will any one swap Robert E. Lee and Nathan Bedford-Forest for the Stonewall Jackson Autograph card. Some poor relative would have smoked themselves into an early grave for those.

Or, the entire 1980 Bolton Wonderers squad featuring team photo and Bolton foily.

Your just left thinking “Trading cards. What was the point!”

The Ken Monkou Program of Fun:

Step 1, Find a football club that will give you a long contract on silly wages.

Step 2, Refuses to do any training, they will soon stop picking you for the first team.

Step 3, Refuse to play for the reserves, it may make you unpopular with the fans but after all it’s beneath you!

Step 4, Refuse to attend any home matches, the fans will only shout at you if you do anyway.

Step 5, Refuse to let your club transfer you, you will never get a better contract elsewhere because of steps two and three so what would be the point.

Step 6, Stay at home, eat pies, and watch the money role in!

Step 7, If at all possible repeat the whole process.

Look very closely here is a rare picture of Ken Monkou actually playing football.

Lots of people use their hundredth post to say something about themselves or more precisely One Hundred something’s. Well all my Hundredth post if going to say about me is that I like to do pointless posts that will Increase the amount of hits the blog gets.

With that in mind ladies and gentlemen for no good reason the FHM 100 Sexiest Women of 2005.

I went to Stamford Bridge yesterday fully expecting Chelsea to hammer Town five or six nil. We are constantly being told that even the Chelsea second XI are world class and I think we have all bought into that hype.

I came away from Stamford Bridge with a mix of emotions elation at Gary Taylor-Flectcher’s goal, and disappointment as I honestly believe Town could have beaten the League Champion and certainly deserved a draw. Many people will argue that Chelsea fielded a weaken team, which is true, but don’t think for a moment that Town Fielded their first eleven either, Taylor-Flectcher only started because Booth was injured and Chelsea would never have got that first goal past Town’s number one Keeper Paul Rachuka, the list goes on.

Jose Mouriho had said before the match that if the players that played on Saturday needed to take the game seriously as if they couldn’t easily dispose of Town they were “at the club for nothing”. I would guess that after yesterdays performance Mouriho needed to get back in the transfer market, not one Chelsea player stood out. Duff who had scared the life out of me when he had been brought on as a sub during a Huddersfield verses Blackburn game seven years ago was a shadow of hi former self. Arien Rodden could get passed Danny Schofield who lets be honest isn’t the best man marker in the Town midfield. The worst player of the day was £21 Million pound Striker Shaun Wright-Philips who was absolutely hopeless. This guy cost more than it would cost to buy the controlling interest in many Premiership clubs (£6 Million more than Portsmouth when for just last week) and he was made to look useless against a League one side, I think Wright=Philips should be off to another club as soon as they can find anyone daft enough to sign him.

Which Chelsea PR genius thought that it would be a good idea to parade Ken Monkou at half time. The only thing that the Dutch defender has contributed to the world of football is the “Ken Monkou Program of Fun” (see a post coming soon!). Chelsea fans may appreciate lazy, greedy, talent less players Town fans do not!

Riddlesden Cricket Club have had all their points from this season docked and have therefore been relegated to fourth division of the Craven District Cricket League, and three club officials have been banned from playing cricket or holding any position at a cricket club for five years after fans exposed their genitals during a match.

It quite funny really any lewd behaviour by some drunk cricket fan and the team gets relegated, but in football the image of drunk naked fans is so common that Subbuteo make an official “Streaker” for $4.99.

Sky One’s football soap “Dream Team” follows the fortunes of fictions club Harchester United (Up the Dragons) here is a List of the clubs honours and which club actually won them in real life.

Man City - Division 2 - Champions 1898/99,
Stoke - Division 2 - Champions 1932/33
Stoke - Division 3 (North) - Champions 1926/27
Newcastle - Texaco Cup Winners 1974/75
Man United - FA Cup Winners 1998/99

Huddersfield - Division 1 - Premiership best season 3rd, 1935/36
Leyton Orient - Division 2, Runners-up 1961/62
Sheffield Wednesday - Division 2, Runners-up 1983/84
Barnsley - Division 3 - Runners-up 1980/81
West Brom - Football League Cup Final 1969/70
Fulham - Anglo-Scottish Cup; Runners-up 1975/76
Sheffield United - Watneys Cup; Finalists 1972
Bouussia Dortmund - UEFA Cup Final 2001/02

The only team to feature twice is Stoke City which I presume is not just a coincidence, also as Stoke were the last winners of the Watneys Cup for it to be mentioned above probably proves that the craters where Potters fans. I don’t know if I should be happy or upset that they have taken a piece of Town history, suppose it’s meant to be a compliment.

I’ve finally received the recognition that I deserve, there is now a link to “The Dubious Chymist” on a French History and Philosophy website.

The link goes to post #88 the one about both Huddersfield Town and Barnsley having Dogs for mascots. I’m glad I didn’t waste 5 years at University tolling away in obscurity to gain a Masters degree in History and Philosophy only to have finally gain recognition in the field for saying that Terry the Terrier is better than Toby the Tyke…… wait a minute….. oh! C***!

There seems to be a small number of people who have a fetish for girls in football shirts. So here’s the question is do football shirt make women better looking or are men just happy to put their two favourite sports (football and ogling) together.

I am quite surprised at this I would have thought the Sky Sports Soccer AM ran the Soccerettes competition each week because it mainly male audience wanted to see women in football shirts, but I guess most of them are just happy to see women! Unfortunately Soccer AM’s only two criteria for being a Socceret seems to be, being female and owning a football shirt!

Southampton is interesting because Page 3 girl Lucy Pinder is a Saints fan and has posed in the Red and White. I think she actually looks better in the Football shirt.

Although the Harchester United kit from Dream Team settles the argument.

Not that bad considering it's a “people you might meet on the internet”/”Hot or Not” photo.

You cant polish you know what.

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