Almost ten years ago to the day I got a new car radio and to my delight I soon found that you could press a button and the tape would go from playing side A to side B, not only this but if you played the tape to the end on one side it automatically started to play the other side. Needless to say I was impressed it was a major technological break through, it was like living in the year 3000, if Caption Kirk had a tape player on the Enterprise he would gladly have swapped it for my car radio.

It seems somewhat ironic looking back that I was impressed by something that now seems so primitive when these days I complain if an internet site does not pop up within two second of my mouse click, or if my mobile phone fails to get a signal.

The internet is a funny old thing. On “Scrubs” Dr.Cox said something to the effect that people on use the internet for porn. and if they tock all the porn away there would only be site left and it would be called “bring back the porn”.

With this in mind I search for “The Hump Gang” (See #58). To my astonishment both “the Hump Gang” and “Hump” fail too bring up any links to porn websites or any explicit images.

How refreshing in a world where even the most innocent words can given “R-Rated” meanings, a word such as hump can give such innocent results.

I really wonder about the people that find this site through Google. Recently I’ve had hits for:

“Beth Tweddle Sexy” – Oh come on who thinks she’s sexy, freaks!

“Ossett Town Serve Beer” – Well they do, but that’s really more of a statement than a question.

“Greatguy.com what happened” – it’s still there under Greatguy.com surprisingly!

“Th gang hump” – Ok if you could spell “The” you may find the pron site your looking for, spell it as above and it’s just me and some bloke whose visited some 14^th century farming ditch near Bristol.

Every few months the “Maury Povich” show turns into a cross between gay club and “The Price is Right”. Basically Maury fills the stage with a selection of Transvestites and women who look, well quite frankly like they might be blokes in drag. Then he gets member of the audience to go guess if a person is a man or a women for a $40 prize.

I can understand that it’s probably a reflect of how good the transitive is is at what they do if people think they are women, but why on earth do women want to be on the show? The best they can hope foe is that a stranger can guess there gender! And where’s the kudos? It’s not as if you can be proud that other people can guess your gender.

Just think about this lads, would you go out with a girl if you knew “she” had been on that show?

Surfing other people blogs there seems to be two recurring themes in popular blog culture, and I’m the sort of person you can count on to jump on the nearest convenient “Band Wagon”.

The first is the craze of getting pictures that people have put on personal ads and hot or not sites and ridiculing them. This is great fun because if you are going to put a picture of yourself on this type of site you would think that you’d make a bit a an effort and find a half decent photo, you would think! Most people don’t.

The second is the craze of compiling lists of “facts” about random people along the lines of “Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life, ever” or “Chuck Norris is unable to have children; over 17,000 women have died from complications of copulation with Chuck. The only known survivor of sex with Chuck Norris is Jenna Jameson, but the experience led her to a life in the porn industry.”

Away I thought I’d combine the two here a quiz, is the answer A or B.

This Lady is: A) Trying to convince her potential internet mate that she does not live in Mosside by editing her self on to a picture of a forest. B) Some kind of half women half tree developed by a mad scientis.

This man is A) Able to disguise himself as cartoon characters to avoid t***s like that one behind him. B) A paedophile.

This Women A) Does not know that her mates are putting her on a internet dating site because she’s a boring student who leaves in a s***-tip. B) Only eats sweet and sour Panda due to genetic disorder which affects one in 10 billion people.

This man is A) The New G.I. Joe. B) America best kept military secrete who will single handily wipe out Islamic Fundamentalism while topping both the Singles and Album charts with his menthol cool mix of Hip-Hop and Barbershop.

This girl A) Has the ability to erase someone from time and space with the power of her mystical bandana. B) A loser who thinks this picture implies that she has friends. Don’t worry honey your mummy thinks your cool.

According to a recent survey the product you buy can indicate the political part that you vote for.

It’s no surprise that Conservative votes read the “Daily Mail”, fly “British Airways”, and shop at “Marks and Spenser”. But Puma? I didn’t realise that they made tracksuits for pensioner, mind you a nice pair of comfy trainers could be just the thing for those long queues at the post office that retired people love to join.

Liberals the exciting bunch they (okay we) are like drinking “Tetleys” tea, saving money with the “Abbey”, and taking out “Axa” life insurance.

Labour votes do fall into a few stereo-types such as reading “The Sun” and drinking “Carling” lager. Still I am surprised that “Fake Burberry” doesn’t make the list.

So you’ve fallen through a hole into an alternate universe and you need to get home your going to need help, but who can you trust?

Obviously people who are your friends in your own universe could be completely different. Thankfully Star Trek has answered the question for us. It’s simple really in alternate universe’s people with goatee beards are Evil.

When ever I have been using a computer in the local library I have been frustrated that the safety settings mean that I can not look at a Premier League table as it contains the word “Arsenal”, because that relate to violence, or look up “The Dubious Chymist” because “Chymist” could relate to witchcraft. But can you get round the safety settings? I wanted to know out of interest but also as a parent.

To this end I have been testing the google “SafeSearch” set to the “safest” setting, and doing image searches for different words.

What I found was quite worrying. going in the experiment I expected that “page 3” level nudity would probably get past the censors based on the logic that children could see that sort of thing in newspapers so it would be kind of acceptable.

I found that the not only could you find “page 3” (ie breast) nudity but actually full and hardcore nudity. Not only that, but entering a biologically term that children are taught in school gave hardcore sex pictures!

I started this as a bit of a laugh but I am seriously concerned. Anyway I like to keep the tone of this site up beat so I will leave you with something that did make me smile. A certain seven letter phase (which again did bring up hardcore porn) also for some bizarre reason brought up a picture of this Cambridge United player, how random is that?

I can’t believe its only been six weeks since the last West Yorkshire derby. Today’s 0-0 draw with the old enemy, Bradford, should have been frustrating for two reason:

1/ Town deserved to win. Although City hit the post that was really there only chance of the game.

2/ Huddersfield’s failure to score ended a club record breaking streak of 31 consecutive games in which Town have scored.

Anyway you have to keep your eye on the big picture which is Town remain in an automatic promotion spot and most importantly the recorded against City this season is played two won one drawn one, and thus bragging rights go to the Blue and White side of the county.

I have just been on the Greggs, the bakers, website. I most admit I did go there on the off chance that it would confirm my suspicion that former Huddersfield Town (and Dutch international oh yes) striker Clyde Wijnard is a major shareholder. I’ve had this theory for a while because Clyde seemed more interested in pie than football when he was at Town.

Anyway according to the FAQs section of the site it says the following:

“Q. What are your biggest selling lines?

Over two thirds of our business is in takeaway food = principally sandwiches and savoury products like pies, pasties and sausage rolls, plus sweet lines like doughnuts and drinks.”

Two thirds!!!!! That’s just descried their entire business! What the hell is the other third! It’s obviously not something they want to promote, is it drugs, or gun running, or racketeering? Answers on a postcard please.

When I herd in the news today that former Hollywood madam Heidi Fleiss was going to open a “Stud Farm” in Nevada, I thought that the story was about horses. The first image that came into my head was that Miss Fleiss had learnt her lesson, after her time in prison, and had decided to go legit a start a business with someone like J P McManus. Brief thoughts of Willie Carson having to interview her for Sunday grandstand during Cheltenham Gold Cup Week danced through my imagination.

I was brought down to earth with a bang when someone pointed out that a “Stud Farm” is a term for a brothel which employs male prostitutes. Oh well no Sunday Grandstand for Miss Fleiss, unless of course they drastically change the rules of the synchronized Diving.

A few years ago there was a hoax that the French film company Le Studio Canal + was going to make a film version of the classic 1980’s cartoon “Ulysses 31” with everyone’s favourite Bee Gee Barry Gibb in the lead role. Well I guess that will never happen but just imagine what it could have beem like.

There is one very good reason that David Davis wont win the election for the leadership of the Conservative party, namely no-one knows who he is. It was only recently that I found out that David Davis the Conservative, David Davis the Head of the FA, Dave Davis from “The Kinks” where not one (or at the most two people). So if you can work out who is who?

In 2004 Cheryl Tweedy was voted the 22 nd sexiest woman in the world by th readers of FHM. Over the last twelve months she has rocketed up the chart to finish as the 2005 runner up. A quick image search on google using the search “Cheryl Tweedy 2004” and “Cheryl Tweedy 2005” shows that during this time the singer has gone for a more " sexy" image, as seen in these before and after pictures.

This is nothing compared to Abi Titmuss who in the same period moved froma rather lowly 95 th to 7 th, incidentally by far the biggest move on anyone on the list. A similar image search for “Abi Titmuss 2004” and “Abi Titmuss 2005” does not seem to support her meteoric rise.

Now I wasn’t the biggest fan of the Abi Titmuss 2004 look but it was vastly prefable to the obnoxious chef look. As if a picture of Gordan Ramsey in the search wasn’t bad enough, look what you get if you miss the last “s” off Titmuss.

7 th sexiest women in the world? I think not!

I was going to do this post about obscure Sci-Fi programs that run for one or two series, get cancelled and then never see the light of day again, “Dark Skies” for example.

While looking up some info on “Dark Skies” I found out that there is a time and place for exactly this type of program, namely every night at eight pm on ITV 4. The schedule reads like a whose who of failed “B”-rate Sci-Fi:

Mondays: Space 1999 (Actually this is on at Seven)
Tuesdays: Dark Skies
Wednesdays: Andromeda
Thursdays: First Wave
Fridays: Earth: Final Conflict
Saturdays: Alien Nation
Sundays: Timecop (UFO is on at Seven)

Is ITV 4 running some kind of pension fund for the “Z”-list stars of these programs to top up their seasonal work on the pantomime circuit. If so I implore the big wigs at ITV 4 to pick up “Space Above and Beyond” , it’s star Kristen Cloke (voted the ninth sexiest women in Sci-Fi in 1997) has hardly worked since and could use the money to buy Netto value beans.

Kristen Cloke at hight of her Career.

And now.

Have you ever noticed that whenever a celebrity is involved in a sex scandal the story is never reported as having simple having sex. Illicit sex is noo longer enough to grab the head lines now you have to do something else as well, for example

Stan Collymore went “Dogging”. Dogging is apparently where a couple drives to a secluded spot in the country and has sex in their car while a group of voyeurs look on. Dogging is one of the very few things that Britain has invented and successfully exported in 21^st century. While seen as deviant sexual behaviour dogging usually involves a couple who are already in a relationship and therefore, it could be argued, is more likely to promote wholesome family values than “Dogging” or “Cruising”.

George Michael was caught “Cottaging”. Despite what you might think cottaging does not involve doing up a bungalow in the Cotswolds with the help of the Ground Force team. Cottaging is where two a couple of strangers (normally a couple of gentleman but not exclusively) have sex in the cubical of a public toilet.

Hugh Grant was “Cruising” that fateful night in LA,. Cruising is were a person or “John” dives to a location to pick up a stranger, normally a prostitute, for sex. Actually cruising can also apply if you walk to that location, but lets try to remember cruises are exclusive holidays and if your going to try and keep any of that illusion of style and glamour your not going to be walking round the red light district if you a Hollywood “A”-list star.

I’ve just seen a advert of Laser eye surgery which said correct your eye sight from only £395 per eye.

At first I thought that seems a bit stupid why would any one want only one eye treating you would either have to pay for both to be done or just wear glasses. Then I realised there is an upside to getting just one eye done, you would get to wear the ultimate fashion accessory: a monocle.

Just look at the difference it made to how cool TV’s “Doctor Who” David Tennant looked when he started to wear a monocle.

ABC1 Broadcast 24 hours a day on Sky but only until 6 pm on Freeview. Logically I know that there must be a computer that is set up to stop the Freeview transmission at the same time every night, but recently I have been starting to wonder. I think there is some treacle thief with a big red button that he presses to stop the signal one minute before the end of “Less Than Perfect” just to piss me off.

Maybe I’m being paranoid but the signal never goes off during the advert for ABC1’s flagship show “Kevin Hill”, which incidentally is only shown in the evening and thus only available to people with Sky!

I like the Commonwealth games, it’s the Olympics, but without most of the counties that are actually any good at sport. Due to the lack of America, China, the former Soviet Union, most of Central/South America, and Asia, we might actually win some medals. Don’t start celebrating though, we still have to compete against South Africa and Australia so Gold and Silver medals are by no means a certainty and we will be left to fight over the Bronze medals with Canada.

England’s main hopes for a medal (not counting Paula “takes a piss during the races and always chokes when it counts anyway” Radcliffe) at Melbourne 2006 are Women’s gymnast Beth Tweddle, whose website boasts:

“For the last five years one British gymnast has dominated competitions both at home and abroad. 20-year-old Beth … competed at the European Championships, held in Greece . Placing 14 th AA”

Wow 14 th in Europe the Australian’s must be s*****g themselves.

Not only does the “Tweddster” lack any of the grace, poise, skill required to compete at an international level - while looking like she has been hit in the face with a shovel, she was not even born in England. Which raises the question if were going to import athletes, shouldn't we at least import good athletes?

Were constantly giving passports to second rate foreign sports starts, like Greg Rusedski, while letting people like Ryan Giggs who were born in England to go off and play for Wales. This wouldn’t happen in Qatar. What do they do if they are no good at an event? They pay someone to win it for them. Qutar were no good athletics but they wanted to win some gold medals at the World Athletics Championships enter Kenya’s top runner Stephen Cherono. A $1 Million pound golden hello, $1000 per week for life, and a name change to Saif Saeed Shaheen later and Qutar were celebrating their first Gold medal in the 3000 m Steeplechase.

According to Casanova’s autobiography he had slept with 122 different women by the age of 73, and for this he is remembered as the greatest lover of all time.

This got me thinking what about people like Peter Stringfellow who claim they have slept with 1000 women. For that matter what about porn stars? They get paid to have sex with different women 7 hours a day, 48 weeks a year, and due to being part of a crappy union they don’t even get bank holidays off.

I doubt porn stars can even remember who they have slept with, the only real estimate would be how many films they have been in. IMDB says that Ron Jeremy has been in 923 porn films, and he’s only 52, he has 21 more years, that going to make him at least ten times the “Lover” that Casanova was.

While looking up the info for this blog I found the following review on IMDB:-

"Gang Bang Whores Part 2" is so much better than the first part. Never before have I been so amazed by a production. This film gang banged its way into my heart. It simply is just plain awesome film making. I highly suggest you to see this. I also recommend: "The Mad Doctor Hump."

What the hell! Doesn’t this guy realise he’s reviewing a porn film! I just had to look up his review of “The Mad Doctor Hump”

“If you plan on seeing one movie your life time, this would definitely be it. I can't begin to explain how great this film was, from the superb writing to the extraordinary direction. The exciting action sequences will leave you short of breath…..This film moves in like a jack hammer and after its done, you're not the same anymore. You're changed. Forever….The Mad Doctor Hump humped its way into my heart.”

The same guy also did a review for “Booty Duty 5” entitled “Booty Duty 5 ! what? No Oscar?”

"Booty Duty 5" totally blows away the other four films (quiet literally.) I strongly urge you to see this fine piece of art. There is nothing that can come close to the greatness of this movie. If you liked films like, "The Mad Doctor Hump" and the ultra-rare cult film, "Voodoo Sex Gods," see this movie! “

I think Barry Norman and Jonathan Ross better lookout there’s a new gun in town.

When I first herd about the Citizenship test Ihad my doubts about it, what difference does it make if an immigrant knows what to do if the knock your pint over in a pub? Let’s face it there are foreign people that I’m going to either like and hate the same goes for British people. Maybe there should by a Chav test, deport anyone wearing fake Burberry, Driving a Vauxhall Corsa with a body kit and ridiculously exhaust, or reading a copy of “Max Power”.

This was my view till this morning when, while flicking through the channels, I saw “Tots Tv” . Two of the Characters speak English and the other one responds to them in French. How typically arrogant of he French. If the UK Citizenship will get these, black and white film watching, Boules playing, onion eating puppets, sent back across the channel I’m all for it.

Back to France before I report you for infringing on the copyright of “Rosie and Jim”

The government have announced they want to crack down on the culture of ambulance chasing in the legal world.

I think this is a good idea, if nothing else it protects the lawyers. For example “Michael Reston”, played by David Ogden Stiers, has been losing one case a week against Perry Mason since the fifties. If he worked on a “No win no fee” basis he would starve.

I know that I promised to keep the content of this blog low brow but…

The new advert for Bulldog broadband implies that the only reason that we have a slow internet connection is that some bloke in a office somewhere does not want to turn the speed of the internet up. A group of people shouting “open the gate” makes him change his mind, and we have progress.

I have a problem with this, on one hand I don’t believe in Whig historiography, not everything gets better with time, but on the other hand I don’t think that the only thing keeping previously discovered advances/theories becoming the dominant “paradigm” is a lack of complaining.

The Mr Men and Little Miss could use some updating, I mean it’s all very well being “Big”, or “Strong”, or “Noisy” but there is so much more to life. So here are a few suggestions.

Little Miss Chav A.K.A Coleen McLoughlin

Mr Man? A.K.A Geri Halliwell

Although anyone that does a Yahoo image search for “Geri Halliwell” will see she’s at the very least post op. I’m not sure how that one got past the censors!

Little Miss Will Work For Food A.K.A Kerry McFadden

Mr Political Suicide A.K.A David Blunkett

Every time I walk past a Starbuck coffee shop two things come to mind and it’s nothing to do with overpriced coffee or the relentless march of globalisation.

The first is former Huddersfield Town player Phil Starbuck. who scored a goal during town last game at Leeds Road.

The second is the opening credits to The A-Team where Dirk “Face/Starbuck” Benedict does a double take as a Cylon from Battlestar Galactica walks past.

Okay, we’ve all seen it before, and these pictures aren’t great, but it’s a classic.