I have just worked out why child obesity is on the increase. Today I went to the local swim pool and I could not believe what they were selling. Now in my day after going for a swim you could get some “Space Riders” or a “Wham Bar” out of the vending machine, how things have changed. Sitting next to the contraption that works out your weight, height, body mass index, and Percentage of body fat, is a machine that sells microwave chips and pizza. What’s next an ice cream van in the play ground or a cycle through KFC in the park.

In 1986 Wells appeared in Transformers: The Movie playing Unicron a giant robot who wants to eat the Autobot’s home world of Cybertron. The film set in the distant future of 2005 was needless to say a box office flop.

Chelsea are currently nine points clear at the top of the football league. Until last week they had won ever league game they had played this season. In the last five days the richest club in the country has been held to a draw in the league by Everton and just now knocked out of the league cup by Charlton.

At the foot of the football league sit Macclesfield town a full ninety-two places below Chelsea. Their last two games resulted in a 2-0 win against Chesterfield in the LDV (That’s Seven goals in their last two games and a division above Macc’ Town, Chesterfield) and a 1-1 draw against Torquay.

They say your only as good as your last game and that form is all important but who can the team that’s top on the league be on a worse run than the team that’s bottom.

Hard luck about the draw against Preston over the weekend, still you look like you could be pushing for the play offs come the end of the season. I hope Maurice Ross can settle into the team, by all accounts he didn’t fit in too well at Wednesday.

Anyway that it as far as my current knowledge of Wolves goes I was going to put your club song here but when I searched for it on the net all I could find was something cryptic along the lines of “Always S**t On A Tesco Carrier Bag” what’s all that about?

Oh and I did find this, but I could have guessed!

We love you Wanderers, we do
We love you Wanderers, we do
We love you Wanderers, we do
Oh, Wanderers we love you...

This latest series of Doctor Who has had money thrown at it, to dispel the image of cheap plastic sets, each episode cost about three times the amount that was spent on Star Trek: Enterprise.

The other “Big” winner, with two awards, on the night was celebrity chef Jamie Oliver. Oliver looks like his might have had one too many “school dinners” and it just seems so hypocritical after he spent all that time protesting to parliament about what the rest of us are eating.

I don’t know, I think the kids have got it too easy these days what with there gourmet school dinners and the high production value sci-fi. In the eighties we had to make do with greasy jam roly-poly and re-runs of Start Trek: The Animated Series and it didn’t do us any harm.

This got me think what other questions could I ask Jeeves that no-one would normally?

“Who has the most desperate personal ad no the internet” lead me to a website called greatguy.com where it seems that the sites creators mate “Blaise” is pretty dam desperate.

“What is the worst chat up line of all time” according to Jeeves its “When it comes to our favourite directors who have also been accused of statutory raps and fallen foul of manic death cults the Roman Polanski is probably in the top five”, but I don’t know I guess it could work, it’s all about delivery.

I asked Jeeves who was the least popular person of all time. A survey was carried out in 1974 by Madame Tussaud’s that revealed the least popular person of all time was Richard Nixon, beating Hitler and Jack the Ripper to the number one spot. “Blaise” did not feature in the top 5 but it was an international survey maybe if it had just been carried out in Canada…..

Finally “Would a Fox or a Badger win in a fight” by seven votes to one the winner would be the Badger.

Well now you know:

I know I’ve seen Weepinbells big mouth before. Why its immensely annoying presenter, and friend to spin obsessed Prime Ministers everywhere, June Sarpong.

Slowpoke both looks and acts like Heat magazine mainstay Jade Goodie.

Wynaut? No. Its Pop idol Will Young!

Apparently, according to the BBC website, Roman Abramovich has said that he wants to build a legacy at Chelsea to last 100 years. There were two problems I had with this. Firstly the image that comes to mind when someone talks about a dynasty is the comparison to Hitler says that he had built an empire that would last a thousand years, which in the end barely lasted twelve years. Secondly I thought that just because a team is good now does not mean that will always be the case, for example Wigan are currently in the Premier League but leading up to 1977 they spent 36 seasons outside the football league. Conversely West Auckland who won The World Club Cup in 1909 and 1911 (Beating Juventus 6-1 in the 1911 final) now play in Northern League Division One which is nine divisions below Chelsea who have never even qualified for a place in the World Club Cup.

Having said that I did think that dispute the dominance of Liverpool, Man U, and Arsenal since the 70’s that historically the league had been quite open. This was wrong, only twenty two different clubs won the league. Here they are in order of the last time they won. (number of times they have won it!)

Chelsea – 2, Arsenal – 13, Manchester United – 15, Blackburn Rovers – 3, Leeds United – 3, Liverpool - 18, Everton – 9, Aston Villa – 7, Nottingham Forest – 1, Derby County – 2, Manchester City – 2, Ipswich Town - 1, Tottenham Hotspur - 2, Wolverhampton Wanderers - 3, Portsmouth - 2, Sunderland - 6, Sheffield Wednesday – 4, Newcastle United - 4, Huddersfield Town - 3, West Bromwich Albion - 1, Sheffield United – 1, Preston North End – 2

Nine of these teams no longer play in the top flight, and two of them are in League One. Huddersfield Town are losing 3-0 to Chesterfield as I type.

So we don’t know what the next hundred years will bring maybe Ossett Town will be every present in the champions League. One thing is for certain we wont be seeing a twenty third club winning the league for a while yet.

Its finally happened. On “More 4” this evening at about twenty to ten, sandwiched in between two Bertolli ads, were two consecutive good adverts.

First was the Barclaycard Advert with the invisible debit card that gets lost, and second was the Citroen “Happy Days” ad.

The Conservative party will soon chose if its next leader its fifth leader in eight years will be David Cameron or David Davis. Recent Drug allegations have added a certain spice to things, I’m just waiting for Cameron to use “The Bill Clinton patented Drug sleaze defence” and claim he “didn’t inhale”. Those of you who take an interest in politics may also remember “The Bill Clinton patented Sex sleaze defence” where he claimed he didn’t impale.

Anyway I digress. I was thinking about this John Major became leader in 1990 and the 1992 General Election victory that Conservatives have had since so that’s 5 Leaders over 15 years (one every 3 years) and one major triumph. The Conservatives are now fighting the liberals to avoid being the third party of British politics.

Margaret Thatcher love her or hate her (personally hate) was leader from 1979 to 1990 and won 3 General elections

Nottingham Forest have had 8 managers since 1993 and been relegated twice winning nothing more than a fiver on the scratchies!

Brian Clough Was manager of Nottingham Forest from 1975 to 1993 during which time he won 2 European Championships, the English Championship, The European Super Cup, and 2 League Cups.

The Lesson is simple stop having leadership elections and reincarnate Brian Clough, I'd vote for him!

Skipton, Mian Street is an absolute gold mine when it comes to blogging. I have already motioned the second hand shop selling “Starmix”, and here’s two more examples of the weird world of North Yorkshire.

First the pharmacy has a picture of money in the window saying “try our vitamin “C” capsules , now with delicious Omega 3 fish oils”. Okay way does a money care about vitamins, and who is going to see that advert and think “oh, yummy Omega 3 fish oils”, for that matter what the hell do Omega 3 fish oils taste like anyway.

The second, in the window of one of the towns many bookshops is a book entitled “Math: CSE”.

Have I fallen through a wormhole into some weird arse, fish oil obsessed, parallel universe where the year is constantly 1973!

Is it just me, or are the police useless? It seems that since the invention of the “Speed Gun” the only crime that the police are bothered about is speeding, It’s easy to see why, after all you could chase a burglar or drug dealer but they are probable violent and “packing heat”, on the other hand you could sit in your nice warm police car eating take-away food and zapping the cars that crawl past at two miles an hour over the speed limit. To be fair I know what I’d chose.

talking about take-away food I was in McDonalds the other night and there were a couple of WPC’s behind me. The lad on the counter asked them if they had come about the earlier “incident”. Now I’m not in the Police but, like most people, I’m nosey so personally I would have thought anyone would have been interested to know what the earlier “incident” was, but not our brave ladies in blue. The two Police women looked at each other, then one said “No” and the other said “Two Big Mac meals please”.

In a few minutes time Leeds will meet Bradford in Super Leagues “Grand Final” despite neither team winning actually winning the league.

Bookmakers say its too close call between the current world club champions Leeds and Super Leagues “in form” team Bradford. Although the teams can’t be separated on the field a look at the attitudes of the respective coaches is quite telling.

Both men were asked about their teams chances:

Leeds’ Tony Smith replied that both teams had some good players and the game could go either way. Perhaps the memory of Hull’s be-mulleted start Danny Brough stealing the Cup from Leeds grasp was fresh in his mind.

The Bull coach Brian Nobel was typically defiant basically saying “we are Bradford we will win, we won last week, we will win this week, we will always win. F*** You!”

Cancer Research in Skipton are selling 5 Kg tubes of Haribo. I don’t know if I want “starmix” that someone’s already sucked!

A few days ago this blog had it’s hundredth “Unique” visitor. They found the page using the Finnish version of MSN using the Key word “Philip Franks” for which “The Dubious Chymist” is the 136^th result.

After the guy who found the site the other day using “BBC news presenter”, which wasn’t in the first 200 results for that search, I’m beginning to despair.

So I guess if you’re persistent and from Finland your probably reading this post!

It’s the first West Yorkshire derby we’ve won since a cold night in 2001 and a penalty shoot out in the LDV trophy against Halifax.

The bragging rites are back in town.

Forget “The Osbournes”, “Newlyweds”, and “Brittney and Kevin” there is a new fly on the wall series in town. “Hogan Knows Best” is taking TMF by storm, the show which follows the home life of wrestling great Hulk Hogan must have doubled the channels ratings to at least 12 people.

“Hogan Knows Best” is great fun, for example in one episode the “Hulkster” tries to book a table at a restaurant using his celebrity status, unfortunately the maitre’d hadn’t herd of him (obviously he had never seen “Thunder in Paradise”).

The best episode however was where Hulk and Mrs Hulk went away for the night and got retired Wrestler Brian Knobbs to baby site the kids. The original “Nasty Boy” was never the sharpest tool in the box, he’s the kind of person you would only make the news in a “Wrestler gets his head caught in park railings” story. Knobbs now cuts a rather sad figure walking with a crutch due to an old injury his days of wild parties now exchanged for drinking a few beers in front of the TV.

Anyway Hogan’s 14 year old son run poor old Knobbs ragged: Sealing his clothes while he was in the shower, stealing a golf cart from the local course, and having his 14 year old girlfriend stay over using the old “but my parents let me" line. The funniest part though was watching Knobbs trying to get the young Hogan down from the exposed roof beams by hoping around and drunkenly swinging his crutch at him, shouting “come down before I stick this crutch up your arse and turn you into a human popsicle”.

Who’s the “Nasty Boy” now?

Do you remember “The Darling Buds of May”, if you don’t your lucky, it was crap.

Anyway, the main story line was slutty country bumpkin “Mariette Jane Larkin” played by a young Catherine Zeta-Jones getting married to up tight city accountant, “Cedric Matthew 'Charley' Charlton” played by equally young Philip Franks. No one saw a problem with this they were the “perfek” couple as “Pop Larkin” would have said.

People always take the piss out of Catherine Zeta-Jones for marring Michael Douglas because of his age, and rightly so, but imagine what people would say if she’d married Philips Franks in real life. All I can say is that time has not been kind

The first persons to find this Blog by Googling visited the site the other day, using the Key words “BBC news presenter”.

I was amazed that someone found my page using that search so I entered it into Google. I wasn’t in the first 200 entries, after which point Google asks if you really want to keep scrolling through the pages. What the hell was that person looking for, I know about my web site but they can’t have known, and how many other sites did they enter before mine!

For these Calculations I have assumed the following:

1. Muang Chiang, Thailand to Bradford, or Glasgow to Bradford.

2. In Scotland the average woman in their 20’s weighs 57.3 Kg (9 St) and is 162.0 cm (5 ft 3 in) tall. In Thailand the average woman in their 20’s weighs 47.6 Kg and is 152.0 cm tall.

Royal mail maximum weight by both Airmail and surface mail to Thailand is 2 Kg. Airmail would be quickest obviously but it would cost £20.35 per 2 Kg which for the average Thai woman works out at £484.33. This would of course assume that you were happy to reassemble your bride on arrival in the UK, although judging by how good people are at making IKEA furniture that challenge may be beyond the average British male. Having said that the cannibals among you may have found a cheap way to get frozen ready meals delivered to your door.

Ups will deliver your bride for £434.50 and it will only take 3 days but you would have to supply your own packaging.

BMI will fly your Scottish catalogue bride from Glasgow to Leeds Bradford airport for £129.30, and that price does not depend on her weight, bargain! Okay that isn’t delivery to your door but even if you paid for a taxi it would still be less than a third of the cost. Not only that but BMI would let you new life partner bring 20 Kg of luggage, that means the Scottish option comes with her own accessories, so less overheads for you.

Okay so now we know a Scottish catalogue bride costs less but how feasible is it? as with all the tough questions in life I asked Jeeves: “where can I find Scottish catalogue brides”

This is the point were I was going to say that you couldn’t get Scottish catalogue brides and make some sarcastic comments about women in the far east or eastern Europe wanting British passports, how wrong I was. Although some for the web sites brought up were catalogues for wedding items other were actually for Scottish catalogue brides, so I guess its not just about the passport.

So many things have changed although some there are of course some thing are eerily similar.

In football we were both born during a season when Liverpool went on to win the European cup..

The reigning Pope’s died with in a year of each us being born.

But Politics is were the coincidences start to get scary.

We were both born under Labour governments (although the government of Jim Callaghan was socialist while Tony Blair’s is “I cant believe it’s not socialist”) .

One of us was born during when the leader of the free world was a man ridiculed as stupid country hick, whose Presidency was dogged by high petrol prices, conflict in Afghanistan, and latterly diplomatic tension in Iran. Wait a minute ….