The Dubious Chymist

# 297: Wimbledon

2007-07-08T22:49:00.001+01:00

Finally Britain has had a glimmer of success at Wimbledon.

Scotsman Jamie "Dougal from the magic roundabout" Murry and his not so British partner Jelena Jankovic have won the mixed doubles.

# 296: Fantasy US Presidential primary race 2008

2007-07-04T23:35:00.000+01:00

Before anyone else claims the idea I think we should all play "Fantasy US Presidential primary race 2008"

I have selected the seven Potential candidate with exploratory committees who have the best odds of winning the 2008 US Presidential election according to an internet bookies, from both major parties.

The Rules:

1, You can spend a maxium of 30M on your 4 candidates
2, You must have two members from each party ie 2*(DEM) and 2*(REP)
3, The Democrat and Republican winning each states primary will be awarded with the electoral college votes for the state, i.e. there will be a winner from each party.
4, The only prise on offer is kudos!

Democrats

Hilary Clinton (DEM) 10M
Barack Obama (DEM) 9M
John Edwards (DEM) 7M
Bill Richardson (DEM) 5M
Chris Dodd (DEM) 4M
Joe Biden (DEM) 2M
Dennis Kuchinich (DEM) 2M

Republicans

Rudolph Giuliani (REP) 10M
Fred Thompson (REP) 9M
Mitt Romney (REP) 7M
John McCain (REP) 5M
Ron Paul (REP) 4M
Mike Huckabee (REP) 2M
Sam Brownback (REP) 2M

Enjoy

# 295: The 4th of July

2007-07-04T21:12:00.001+01:00

Today is American independence day.

Has anyone pointed out to them that as Britain has granted independence to all her former colonies the war of independence was essentially pointless?

# 294: Chico time

2007-07-02T23:43:00.000+01:00

Wakefield Trinity don't makw it easy for themselves. For a start the club seems to spend the whole seasom aiming avoid relegation on the last day.

This week despite going 6-nil down to Wigan after one minute they where about to turing things around and win 30-6!

The victory must be down to the Wigan players seeing x-factor reject Chico in the crow and being too starstruck to concentrate on the game.

What time is it? err Ten to Twelve?

# 293: Frank Lampard and John Terry sex stories

2007-07-02T22:11:00.000+01:00

"The Dubious Chymist" has just had a hit from someone who did the goggle search "Frank Lampard and John Terry sex stories" - (just look at what this has reduced me to I'm so exasperated by this search i'm going to have to break out the new three letters) FFS! (now I hope I never have to stoop to that level again!)

I did that same goggle search, lookes though the first 200 results and "The Dubious Chymist" wasn't there so whoever found the page must have been pretty desperate for Lampard/Terry porn!

Well guys knock yourselves out JT is caught it the net and what are you planing to do with that PFA player of the year award Frank?

Just thought I hope it was Frank Lampard Jnr that they were looking for! But just in case....

# 292: Turn back time

2007-07-01T20:48:00.000+01:00

I've cracked the answer to the most difficult question in football. Namely:

How can Newcastle United ever win any silverware?

Bring back the Anglo-Italian Cup!

# 291: ..... that's what I want.

2007-07-01T20:29:00.000+01:00

Hot on the heals of my post last week about Victoria Beckham becoming a cheerleader it seems that Posh and Becks Ltd have come up with new money spinning plans to become even richer!

Posh has agreed to reform the Spice Girls and go on a lucrative world tour.

Becks, while filming a Nike advert this week inadvertently set a new world record for the farthest distance which anyone has ever scored a field goal from. As a result he has been offered several contracts to field kick in the NFL after his 5 year, 125 Million pound LA Galaxy contract expires.

Just how much money do two people need!

# 290: Slow news day

2007-07-01T16:49:00.000+01:00

It must be a slow new day the third Item on MSN today is "Kitten rescued from tree".

# 289: CONCACAF

2007-07-01T00:32:00.001+01:00

Why would an organisation such a prescriptive name as: "The Confederation of North, Central American, and Caribbean Association Football" - CONCACAF, have Guyana, Suriname, and French Guiana (all of which are in South America) in it?

I would have thought if you were a going to give your self the longest name of any sport governing body you might as well get it right!

How about: "The Confederation of North, Central American, Caribbean, and South American Nations That Aren't Good Enough to Play Again Other South American Nations, Association Football" or CONCACSANTAGEPAOSANAF.

# 288: What were they thinking?

2007-06-30T09:07:00.000+01:00

The the producers of Cbeebies program "Me Too" really think the line "I got so over excited again that I splashed it all over her sari" should ever appear in childrens TV?

# 287: Position of power

2007-06-29T22:39:00.000+01:00

Sir Digby "Jones" has been appointed minister of state for trade and investment, and as you can see he will have a massive budget to work with.

# 286: Healthy life style

2007-06-27T23:18:00.000+01:00

Finally sports chocolate!

# 285: When did that happen

2007-06-27T20:47:00.000+01:00

Middlesbrough kept there change of logo pretty quite, which kinda defeats the object of changing it.

# 285: Give me a break

2007-06-26T22:38:00.001+01:00

Oh come on!

It can't!!!!

# 284: 12700 hits

2007-06-25T22:48:00.001+01:00

12700 hits thats as many a the capacity of Brentford's Griffin Park!

Yeah I know it's still not impressive is it!

# 283: Victoria Beckham

2007-06-25T22:45:00.000+01:00

There are rumors that the LA Galaxy want Posh Spice Victoria Beckham to be a cheerleader for the team.

When they're paying her husband 1/2 a million a week she should only have one question!

Were do I get my pom-poms?

# 282: The Mighty Quinn

2007-06-25T19:55:00.000+01:00

Mickey Quinn was on the radio today talking about the Henry transfer, and he came out with the piece of solid gold wisdom:

"16 million pounds might not seem like a lot of money, but remember in Europe thats over 20 million Euros"

# 281: Line Judge

2007-06-24T23:07:00.001+01:00

The Lawn Tennis Association have announced that they will be using Hawkeye as a line judge at this years Wimbledon.

Well as long and you think you can keep him away from the golf course, out of the nurses tent, and off the homemade Martini's it should be fine. Just remember not to give him R and R in Tokyo is liable to go AWOL

# 280: 140 new posts

2007-06-24T14:50:00.000+01:00

When I originally stopped updating The Dubious Chymist and had a 15 month break there where only 140 post, so today marks the point were theres as many old as new posts.

# 279: The Germans are living the American dream

2007-06-24T14:33:00.000+01:00

Were often quick to poke fun at the Americans for being world champions in sports that only they and perhaps a token Canadian team play.

But it seems now that the Germans are at least as guilty.

6 teams compete in the NFL Europa American football league, five of which are German (Berlin Thunder, Cologne Centurions, Frankfurt Galaxy, Hamburg Sea Devils, and Rhine Fire) and one Dutch (Amsterdam Admirals).

The two best teams in the league then contest the "World Bowl".

Judging by the fact the the Admirals attendance or half of that the German teams get, and declining, pretty soon theres only going to be German teams.

# 278: The pressure worked

2007-06-24T00:22:00.000+01:00

My campaign to name and shame every time ITV fail to put one of my insomnia buddies on there late night quiz games, has worked.

The original and best insomnia buddy, and Queen of late night TV for insomniacs, the unemployed, and the unemployable, Alex Kramer is on Glitterball tonight!

After all that I'm pretty tired, I think I'm going to head to bed!

# 277: Haka

2007-06-24T00:17:00.000+01:00

Gray Nevile has realised that he's england career is at a end but he's pushing a New Zealand passport application through and practicing the Haka.

# 276: They showed me

2007-06-23T23:08:00.000+01:00

Ten days ago I posted about an internet investment expert who advised people to buy shares in Canon Electronics Inc, at the time the share were worth $30.717

To be honest I did the post so that i could mock the expert when it went wrong, but the shares are now worth $32.640

That's over 6% return in ten days!

I don't want to play anymore!

# 275: Working overtime fighting crime

2007-06-23T22:45:00.000+01:00

I realise that these complaints should have been lodged 22 years ago when the program being made but better late than never:

1, The shows motto "Illusion is the ultimate weapon" well if you really believe that then why do you need more guns, missiles, and rockets than the Israeli army.

2, M.A.S.K. stands for Mobile Armored Strike "K"ommand - well thats just sloppy

3, V.E.N.O.M. stands for Vicious Evil Network of Mayhem are company full of evil genii bent on world domination really going to give themselves a name like that? in my experience there more likely to be called "Starbucks" or "Greggs"

4. And how come every one had one vehicle and Matt Tracker had 50? who does he think he is the Buley Motor museum?!?

# 274: Pele

2007-06-23T22:25:00.000+01:00

Does this look like a man with an erection problem?

Well maybe not back then but I guess wear those tight Kevin Keeganesqe shorts all through the 1970's had an effect. Why else would the most famous footballer in the world be advertising help of men with erectile dysfunction.

# 273: New words

2007-06-23T21:50:00.000+01:00

I'd like to think that I have a large selection of swear words and expletives at my disposal, but I have to admit these swear would I found on a random message have completely stumped me.

S*****ly
N****rs
D**n
C***f
C*****ns

I'm pretty sure these words are just made up but if you do have any ideas, answers on a postcard please.

# 272: 12573 Hits

2007-06-23T12:49:00.000+01:00

12573 hits that as many as the capacity of Oxford United Kassam Stadium the largest stadium in conference nation!

# 271: A realistic alternative to Brown

2007-06-23T11:33:00.001+01:00

# 270: The mists of time

2007-06-23T09:37:00.001+01:00

The mists of time have cleared and I can see into the future. I'm predicting disappointment for Tim Henman.

Just watch Wimbledon and see if I'm right.

# 269: Fake insomnia buddy

2007-06-23T02:15:00.000+01:00

ITV should be aware that I will name an shame any fake insomnia buddies.

Yiolanda Koppel is not an official insomnia buddy.

# 268: The living daylights

2007-06-22T21:29:00.001+01:00

Has any else wondered how films made during the cold war would be remade today?

In the original Bond film The Living Daylights the Russians were the bad guys and the Mujahideen were the good guys. What would happen now?

# 267: Prison reform

2007-06-22T21:09:00.000+01:00

It's all well and good trying to find a solution to the over crowded prisons, but answer me this;

If the prisons aren't over crowded then whose going to cheer Mr Bridger when we put one over on the Italians?

# 266: Our friends across the pond

2007-06-22T20:50:00.000+01:00

Democratic presidential nominee contender Barack Obama is running a slick campaign on his way to the white house.

High quality photos in front of capital hill, silky oratorical mastery, and even hip-hip versions of his speeches available to download as ring tones from his website.

An ocean away here in the UK, on his way to No. 10 Gordon Brown has perfected a Frank Spencer impression.

# 265: ABC1 does it again

2007-06-22T20:15:00.000+01:00

Apart from the odd diamond in the rough ABC1 is usually a happy hunting ground for Shitcom's

"The war at home" is a prime example, it's selling it's self on the old "dysfunctional family" tag line which only ever worked for the Simpson's. The Star of the show Teen Choice Award best actor 2005 nominee Micheal Rapaport looks like a reject for the part of Doggie Howser MD.

# 264: Gilles de Bilde

2007-06-21T23:32:00.000+01:00

Gilles de Bilde can he fix it, Gilles de Bilde yes he can!

# 263: How it should be done.

2007-06-20T21:47:00.000+01:00

"It is the 16th Century. From all over Europe great ships sail West to conquer the New World - the Americas. The men eager to seek their fortune, to find new adventure in new lands. They long to cross uncharted seas and discover unknown countries, To find secret gold on a mountain trail high in the Andes. They dream of following the path of the setting sun, that leads to Eldorado, and the Mysterious Cities of Gold"

Now thats how children's TV should be, nothing adult here. Apart from of course 3 children who travel on the own from Spain to South America facing danger at every turn!

On reflection not great but I'll find something!

# 262: Making cleaning fun

2007-06-20T21:15:00.001+01:00

In the 1980's thanks to the "shake and vac" lady cheerful dancing vacuuming the carpet was sexy. But times change and vacuuming became a mundane boring task, that was until now!

Just look at the new Dyson it looks like the kind of gun the terminator would have. Thank you Dyson for letting us escape our quite humdrum existence.

# 261: Didn't see that one coming!

2007-06-20T19:34:00.000+01:00

I finally understand why Cat Woman could never seduce Batman.

# 260: I could work in advertising

2007-06-20T19:21:00.001+01:00

All those tramps can't be wrong!

# 259: The golden age of British comedy

2007-06-20T18:25:00.000+01:00

It's often said that the 1970's was the golden age of British comedy.

I would just like to remind you that the 1970's saw two on the buses movies!

"Shitcom The Movie" and "Shitcom The Movie II"

# 258: Tolerance zone

2007-06-20T18:16:00.001+01:00

I there was a tolerance zone in Bradford, I think it should be on Dick Lane. Mainly because I'm puerile.

# 257: Taking the fall - Retraction

2007-06-20T18:05:00.000+01:00

Wow that was quick I've already been told that the previous post is wrong.

So here's the retraction.

Forget that previous post it's just plan wrong, I'm sure one of the news websites will give you the correct story. Sorry.

# 256: Taking the fall

2007-06-20T17:55:00.000+01:00

I haven't been paying attention so if I get any of the details wrong then thats why.

From half heard conversations, the witting on toilet walls, and a huge helping of imagination, I've pieced together the following.

Apparently Teddy Sheringham was caught by a speed camera, driving over the legal limit.

Again apparently he got his friend Bobby Zamora to say that in fact it was him that was driving.

Now I don't know if this is true but you have to ask given that you where trying to say that the person in the picture wasn't you, wouldn't you get someone thats looks like you?

# 255:12392 hit

2007-06-19T22:20:00.000+01:00

The Dubious Chymist has just had it's 12392 hit!

That's the same as the capacity of Southend United's Roots Hall Stadium. Okay your not impressed well just look at this photo!

Ah it's still not that impressive is it, in fact the stadium looks very small! Oh well.

# 254: Spot the difference

2007-06-19T18:22:00.001+01:00

So let me get this straight in pokemon if you train your "Bidoof" really well then eventually it will evolve into Phil Nevile, right?

# 253: Anthropophobia

2007-06-19T18:08:00.000+01:00

Do you suffer from Anthropophobia - the fear of people.

If so why not get a season ticket for the Huddersfield Giants?

# 252: Even the Aliens are at it

2007-06-19T17:37:00.000+01:00

Yet again Children's TV has featured contain unsuitable for children.

CITV's "My parents are aliens" featured Sophie played by Carla Mendonca (right) trying to Seduce Brian Johnson (I know you got your hopes up there but no it's not the Brian Johnson who was the lead signer of AC/DC left) played by Tony Gardner (below).

Sophie suggested that they should have "the kind of fun that only two adults can have together" and Brian knocked her back.

Now I could understand our AC/DC hard rocking buddy turning her down, after all he probably has girls throwing their nickers at him all the time. Well actually thinking about it, it's been so long since AC/DC had a hit he probably gets old ladies throwing their support pants at him.

What I can't understand is how the Brian in the show could knock alien MILF Sophie back. For 2 reasons: 1) just look at him, he couldn't go better! and 2) Just look at Sophie's hair it's in the exact style worn by ever single alien that Captain Kirk slept with in Star Trek! How can he resist.

# 251: Office monkey - 1

2007-06-19T15:59:00.000+01:00

Welcome to what I hope will be a regular feature, Office monkey is here with helpful tips which will help you slide down the career ladder, and fast track you to you're P45.

Office monkey tip 1

Management types like to use there buzz words, it makes them feel important. Impress them by using as many of these world and phrases as you can. You get a one ever time you use one and bonus points are give for variety and using more than one in the same sentence.

"Synergy" - "At the end of the day" - "Solution" - "Metrics" - "Redeployed people" - "On the runway" - "Win-win" - "Value-added" - "Paradigm" - "Get on the same page" - "Customer-centric" - "Generation X" - "Accountability management" - "Core competency" - "Alignment" - "Incremental"

Don't just use them when talking to management, use them on customers, use them on colleagues, use them on the canteen staff, and use them when chatting up women.

# 250: Coming soon to sky one

2007-06-19T15:46:00.000+01:00

From the makers of "The Apprentice" comes "Pirate Master".

# 249: I've worked out the twist at the end of this seasons Big Brother

2007-06-19T14:39:00.000+01:00

I've worked out the twist at the end of this seasons Big Brother.

The European Space Agency (ESA) has advertised for six "Astronauts" to take part in an Earth based 520 day experiment.

The mission will simulate a Trip to Mars (right).

ESA mission commander Dr. Divina McCall said "You just wait they'll get down to the last 6 contestants. Big Brother will ask them to get into a confided space and then the fun begins."

"They think they've got it tough now just wait till they've been drinking there own recycled piss for 17 months!"

ooo I wonder if anyone have ever had sex during an ESA experiment before.

# 248: Would you vote for a Minger?

2007-06-19T12:05:00.000+01:00

Well Would you?

# 247: Green IQ

2007-06-19T11:35:00.001+01:00

I've just done a test of my "green IQ", which apparently is a measure of how ecco-friendly I'm supposed to be. I'm pretty sure that the "green IQ" test is not Mensa approved.

I got 9/10 (which equals Mother Earth Lover) which I feel like don't a big rant about how IQ's work an a score of 9/10 is completely meaningless but I'll live that for now.

Even though all the questions related to science rather than things like do you recycle? do you turn lights out? or do you care about global warming? My GCSE Geography came in handy finally and I got 9/10.

The whole things a joke I'm a Mother Earth lover dispute the fact that one of the least ecco-friendly people I know I don't so much have a Carbon foot print as a Carbon belly flop.

Oh by the way I'm disputing the one I got wrong. I selected false of ozone being "highly poisonous" when mixed with our atmosphere.

As well all know Dodgems create ozone and that smell at the fun fair is ozone. Look at the picture, look at all the people who've died on the dodgems, oh wait a minute there all alive! It's a miracle!!!

# 246: This bird is a Munter!

2007-06-19T10:34:00.000+01:00

Leilani Munter drives for SS Racing in the NASCAR Elite division. She came third in sports illustrated hottest women in racing poll so she's not Munter - while she is but she's not.

# 245: Two birds one stone

2007-06-19T10:24:00.000+01:00

"Big cook Little cook" gives me the chance to do two of my favorite rants. Big cook played by Steve Marsh (left) and Little cook played by Dan Wright (right) are also know as the comedy duo Electric Forecast.

Rant 1 - Kids TV is way to adult

On most episodes of "Big cook Little cook" Big cook will be whipping something cream, custard ect and it will inevitably splash all over Little cooks face, in a very pornographic way. Little cook with say something like:

"I'm covered in your sticky mess Big cook"

Rant 2 - Shitcoms

If there was ever a comedy duo who were destined to create a Shitcom it would be "Electric forecast", oh maybe they could make the British version of "Becker". Look at the publicly photo look at the craziness, and Shitcom they were in would be hilarious!

# 244: Challenge extended

2007-06-19T08:41:00.000+01:00

I was going to do a post with the 5 or ten "Jailbabes" I could find with the longest sentence to serve. But this young lady blow that idea out of the water!

Meet Sohia from Washington (although I'm guessing that really means Washington state penitentiary).

She's 24 and looking for someone "intellectual, diverse, secure, financially stable .... goal oriented, hard working....."

But here's the thing that makes her stand out from the crowd.

She's being in February, February 2044!!!!!!!

Yes you read that right as in 37 years from now! So she'll be out when she's 61!

I have know idea what she did, but I'm guessing it wasn't a petty crime.

She has to be the "Jailbabe" with the longest sentence on the net!

# 243: What a mess

2007-06-19T08:13:00.000+01:00

There's a good chance that we'll finally get an answer on the Tevez-gate question.

Personally I want Sheffield United to get re-instated into the premier league, partly because I believe that they have a valid argument but mostly because of the trouble it will cause.

- 21 team league
- Having to re-arrange all the premiership and championship fixtures
- Championship clubs having to refund part if the season ticket cost
- 4 team relegation from the premiership

Bring on the anarchy.

# 242: Home to roost

2007-06-18T17:07:00.000+01:00

Although prime example of a shitcom is "Home to roost".

For some unknown reason, the son, played by Reece Dinsdale (Left) is forced to move back in with his father played by John "oh come on you were in the Sweeny do you you'll need the money that badly that you'd compromise your artistic integrity to do this drose" Thaw (right).

# 241: Say what you see

2007-06-18T13:39:00.000+01:00

I've just read an article about how the average female clothes size in Britain is size 16.

It was saying curvy women are sexy and how fashion is changing to reflect the changing shape of women.

All well and good, but this is the photo they used!

Correct me if I'm wrong but unless I've had a fundamental misunderstanding of what size 16 is, it ain't her!

# 240: Comming out

2007-06-18T13:14:00.000+01:00

New Huddersfield Town signing Melvin Kamara has given his first interview since signing for the club.

During the interview Kamara may well have outed goal keeper Matt Glennon.

"The goalkeeper, Matt Glennon (right), seemed a good lad. I did a bit of a Vinny Jones on him and grabbed him by the unmentionables, but he took it all in good fun"

I wouldn't have taken it in "good fun"

# 239: BOC

2007-06-18T09:28:00.001+01:00

Genius the "Oyster" card - a discount scheme for London public transport - is Blue.

I think it's great that they have issued a special limited addition Blue Oyster Card for members of the Blue Oyster Cult fan club.

# 238: How to be a sex goddess

2007-06-18T09:10:00.000+01:00

Meet Flic Everett (right) Author of "How to be a Sex Goddess".

Now I'm only guessing but from this photo is the secrete of being a "Sex Goddess" to use the most unashamedly red lipstick that she can find.

I didn't that Rimmel made a lipstick in "Hussy Red".

# 237: Firm but fair

2007-06-17T23:51:00.001+01:00

Kelly Rowland is said to be extremely upset, and rightly so, that there have been hoax reports in the media that she died in a car crash.

While it is completely wrong to toy with the emotions of her friends and family in this way, I do have to say in the media's defense: She does look pretty life less in this photo!

# 236: Bring back the Texaco Cup

2007-06-17T23:30:00.000+01:00

After my rant the other day about bring back the Debenhams Cup I got to thinking what other crazy cup competitions could we bring back.

The Answer the "Texaco Cup!"

The Texaco cup featured teams from English, Scottish, Northern Irish, and Irish football leagues.

It was designed to foster co-operation between the leagues but the tournament was dominated by English clubs.

One plus said is that Rangers and Celtic are always moaning about wanting to compete in England and this would give the a chance to prove why they should.

Oh well even if it doesn't come back Huddersfield Town are playing in Europe this season - Swansea!

# 235: Did I hear that right

2007-06-17T22:29:00.000+01:00

Did i just hear that right?

Did Pol Pot just win Ant and Dec's "Britain's got talent"?

Apparently in between being the General Secretary of the Khmer Rouge and generally being evil incarnate, he's a keen amateur Opera singer.

# 234: Sound advise

2007-06-17T22:09:00.000+01:00

Sometimes you can judge a book by it's cover.

# 233: Sex, Drugs, and Rock and Roll

2007-06-17T12:50:00.000+01:00

I was thinking were can I get the celebrity life style on a budget? Then the answer came to me E-Bay!

So I searched for the following and these are how many hits I got:

sex - 6122
shag - 149
hand job - 58
blow job - 11
pearl necklace - 4324 (ok thats cheating)

drugs - 669
cannabis - 407
smack - 220
cocaine - 80
heroine - 31

rock and roll - 351

How can there be so few hits for "rock and roll" thats just crazy.

# 232: A pair of balls

2007-06-17T12:32:00.000+01:00

Scientist Achim Leistner (right) has been charged with creating 2 spheres each weighing exactly 1 kilogram.

These will serve as the new international standard for the kilogram, as the original standard a Platinum and Iridium bar made in 1889 has been shown to be decaying.

It will take 12 weeks to turn a kilogram of Silicon-28 into a near perfect sphere.

Either way you look at it Achim Leistner is being paid to polish his balls for 12 weeks!

# 231: Retro design

2007-06-17T10:49:00.001+01:00

Am I the only person thats noticed this? or am i just going crazy?

There's been something bugging me about the design of the Play Station 3 for a while and I've just worked out what it is,

The recess in front of the DVD slot is a rip off of the design of the Betamax Video recorder.

If Play Station really wanted to go for the authentic 1970's feel they should have got some wood paneling on the sides Atari 2600 style.

# 230: Per seempre amore

2007-06-17T09:33:00.000+01:00

ITV Play let me down last night as you'll already know, but this morning the network redeemed itself when Anna Kumble appeared in CITV's Toonattik.

# 229: The insomnia is back

2007-06-17T00:53:00.000+01:00

The insomnia is back I'm still missing Alex Kramer and now Anna Fowler is know where to he found!

How am I supposed to get through the night without an insomnia buddy.

Oh Liz Fuller your just not Alex or Anna. It's just not the same

# 228: The most powerful celebrity in the world

2007-06-16T23:54:00.000+01:00

Oprah Winfrey has come top of the Forbes Magazine Top 100 most powerful celebrity list.

Oprah's powers include:

- Laser Vision
- Being able to fly
- Leap tall buildings in a single bound
- Being faster than a speeding train
- The ability to get changed quickly in a phone box
- She can disguise herself simply by wearing glasses
- Survive in space unaided

Tiger woods came second and he can err play golf.

# 227: Recycling

2007-06-16T22:06:00.001+01:00

The BBC have found a great way to save money there recycling there old TV show formats. Tonight is the pilot of "Would I lie to you" which is just a modern version of "Call my bluff". They even got Sandy Toksvig (right) back for the new series.

# 226: Fun that

2007-06-16T21:29:00.000+01:00

Am I the only person thats noticed that the internet banners for Sky Broadband run in high quality and therefore make your computer run slower.

Isn't it funny that an advert for faster internet connection would slow your computer down. If one was cynical one might almost think that was planned.

# 225: The good old days

2007-06-16T18:04:00.000+01:00

There are many things in football I think they should bring back: standing, the Wembley twin towers, and hooliganism. Well maybe not hooliganism.

But I really think they should bring back the Debenhams Cup (Right).

The Debenhams Cup was contested between the last two clubs from outside the top flight to get knocked out of the FA Cup. Excepting of course any team that got to the final.

The cup was contested twice being won by Chester City in 1977 and Blyth Spartans in 1978.

# 224: Watch out heat!

2007-06-16T15:40:00.001+01:00

Always being up for new challenges, I think i'm going to try my hand at celebrity gossip.
Apparently some one is upset that Sienna Miller (right) fancies Paolo Nutini (left).

I'm not sure who these people are so I have to make some assumptions.

Paolo, who was an extra in a VO5 extreme holding wax ad, is upset because people are spreading rumors that he fancies Sienna, who was a popular family salon during the 1980's/90's bridging the gap between Escort and Granada. I think Paolo dislikes Sienna for her poor build quality, oh and because shes a bit of a biffa.

How did that go?

# 223: Name and shame 2

2007-06-16T15:00:00.001+01:00

I just had a hit on the site from someone in Watford using the Google search "Preteen Spunk" I don't know how but I've looked it up and The Dubious Chymist is 27th in the results for that!

Anyway anyone looking for that will be sorely disappointed.

# 222: Against the odds

2007-06-16T13:43:00.001+01:00

I just looked up the odds for Huddersfield Town next season to win the competitions there entered in:

To win League One 14:1 (although Town are 10:1 to get promoted)

To win the FA Cup 500:1

To win the League cup 500:1 which I think is a bit harsh as lots of the big clubs dont take the league cup seriously.

The Football League Trophy. What do you mean no on-line bookmakers have odds on the Johnsone's Paint Trophy?!?

Well we'll assume 14:1 as they the main rivals will be the same as for the League One title.

So I make that 49,000,000:1 on town doing the quadruple! Come on the Terriers!

# 221: The face of Coventry City FC

2007-06-16T13:04:00.000+01:00

Coventry City are running a competition to find a soccerette to be the face of Coventry City, so if I can be bothered watch this space for the results.

Rule 2 of the competition is "Entrants must be a sky blues supporter"

Does this mean that Manchester city fans can apply?

# 220: Rodney

2007-06-16T12:37:00.001+01:00

The latest inductee into the "Shitcom" hall of fame is ABC 1's Rodney.

Despite being a program about a stand up comedian there are no funny jokes in it. To be fair I get chuckle when a pigeon landed on someones head but really when a pigeon is the best actor on a show it's about time to give up.

Just look at the promotional photo. Look at the craziness. This show must be "hilarious".

# 219: Compeletly over my head

2007-06-16T09:52:00.000+01:00

Apparently Shabnam has been evicted from the big brother house. Now I'm not the most faithful watcher of the show but I can remember seeing her on it!

So, so much for fifteen minutes of fame!

Oh according to the net she had a DVD confiscated in the house. What kind of moron takes a DVD into somewhere they know there wont be a DVD player!

# 218: Well shut my mouth

2007-06-16T08:38:00.000+01:00

Dispute my mocking of the financial advise the shares in Canon Electronics Inc have risen from and initial price of $30.717 (when I started following them) and are now worth $30.770.

So if you'd invested $100 you would have made 17c.

The only problem is that you would have to pay a charge to buy the shares and another to sell them Lloyd's TSB charge £15 per transaction. So it's going be a while before I could make any money.

# 217: Last warning

2007-06-15T23:40:00.000+01:00

I'm on to you BT advert man!

You have a girlfriend at home, waiting by the BT Homehub for your call, and your off out trying to chat up the talent.

Well this is your last warning: Put the hussy down
and return home to the MILF and kids before I ITC to you and your adulterous err Homehub.

# 216: Stepping up to the plate

2007-06-15T22:14:00.001+01:00

Just seen Craig on "Britain's got talent" he said he wished he'd told people earlier about his baton twirling hobby. Craig said he'd been scared people would take the piss out of him, but so far no one had.

Well Craig there just being polite! where do I start!

You look stupid!

You look like an extra from Blake's 7!

You have the hobby of a 9 year old girl!

Take your pick!

# 215: Scary plastic monsters

2007-06-15T21:53:00.001+01:00

You have to take your hat off to the BBC for spending money on the special effect in Doctor Who.

In the eighties they had to rely Nicola Bryant getting her baps out!

# 214: Same rant different day

2007-06-15T21:26:00.000+01:00

I know you're probably getting tired by this rant now but I just still can not believe the content of children's TV.

Now while must people would say that "in the night garden" is just weird for the sake of being weird thats not my main problem.

In today episode everyone had gone to sleep apart from Iggle Piggle who just passed out from exhaustion on the path! Is this the example of acceptable behavior we want to set for our children.

And I'm not sure that Makka Pakka isn't racist either!

# 213: Hazel Blears

2007-06-14T23:20:00.001+01:00

Just watching a debate for the candidates for Deputy Prime Minister.

I don't know what Hazel Blears policies are but god she annoys me!

# 212: What did she do?

2007-06-14T22:54:00.000+01:00

Following my last post on "Jailbabes" I just had to post on this.

Meet Lisa - Wilsonville, Oregon 97070

"I want someone who will see me for who I am and not judge me for the mistakes I made that got me here."

Thats all well and good but Lisa is 24, a medical doctor and her release date is July 2011.

What the F*** happened?

How did she go from doctor to 4 years in prison?!?

"Gardening is my passion and hobby. I love to cook! I love the outdoors, animals, going to the beach and camping." - No that doesn't explain it!

# 211: Market forces

2007-06-14T22:35:00.000+01:00

After one day of trading how's are the fortunes of "Canon Electronics Inc"?

At close of business today one share is worth $30.493 thats down $0.224.

Was down good or bad? I thought that expert guy said these shares would do well!

# 210: Father of the year!

2007-06-14T22:26:00.001+01:00

Despite the powers at be constantly telling me that my Father of the year award is "in the post" they went and awarded it to Andrew "Freddy" Flintoff behind my back!

Freddy got the award because he went home during a test to see his child, as apposed to you know seeing his kids every day!!!! Correct me if I'm wrong but shouldn't being on the front page of every national newspaper for getting drunk on a pedalo disqualify you from being "Father of the year"?

# 209: If you book them they will come

2007-06-14T17:19:00.001+01:00

The Institute of Financial Services has announced that the guest of honor at there annual awards will be presented by "Loose Womens" Andrea McLean.

At first I thought the usual questions:

Why her?

Why does a serious organization want to be linked with "Loose Women"?

Couldn't they get someone more famous?

If it's based on looks then couldn't they get someone better looking?

Then I realised that employing Andrea McLean make great financial sense, after all why waste money and a presenter.

# 208: Ecconomic for begingers

2007-06-13T23:08:00.001+01:00

I saw a financial expert advising people to by shares in Canon Electronics Inc, so I thought I'd follow the prices of the shares and see if thats good advice or not!

Canon Electronics Inc (CAOEF) is listed on the US market, and today a share is worth £30.717

Now I'm no financial expert but the graph doesn't look good to me! Although as I'm not investing anything more than time into this experiment I'll end up regretting my sarcasm if the price rockets.

Anyway lets see what happens.

# 207: Abandon hope

2007-06-13T22:51:00.001+01:00

The draw was made for the League Cup first round today.

Huddersfield will play Blackpool away at Bloomfield road.

After the symbolical way the 2002 LDV Trophy northern final was handled I'm wondering if town should even both to turn up as there seems to be an unwritten rule that when ever Town play Blackpool in the cup the game should last as long a Blackpool need it to to win!

# 206: Breaking News

2007-06-13T16:15:00.000+01:00

After my last post on Lazy Town I can't believe this is happening.

Lazy Town is on now: Stephine is in her nightie singing a song, while Sporticus does press ups in her bedroom.

The lyrics are:

"Time to move, time to make it happen.
Twenty times up and twenty times down.
Twenty time action make me feel so good."

What more proof do you need!

# 205: More of the same

2007-06-13T16:05:00.003+01:00

I know I've said it some many times before but I'm really starting to think that ever single children's TV show is just aimed at the parents not the children.

Has anyone else noticed that Sporticus (Center) seems awfully close to Stephanie (Right)?

I've checked and the actress playing Stephanie is not some forty year old retired Bulgarian gymnast whose pretending to be twelve, she really is twelve. So that sinks at least one drunken theory I've herd on the subject!

Oh and just thought I'd mention that MILF's favorite Robbie Rotten (Left) doesn't seem to actually do anything bad. I mean he wants kids to eat sweets but that never did the milky bar kid any harm. It's not like his going out with a pre-teen girl with a purple bob!

# 204: Mystery solved

2007-06-13T15:52:00.001+01:00

Natasha Bedingfield was on the radio today saying she couldn't work out why she was single.

I'm just guessing here but is it anything to do with hideous character flaws and an awful personality?

# 203: The great education scam

2007-06-13T09:08:00.000+01:00

I've just seen this advert for on-line degree course.

One would assume that a postgraduate Masters Degree from an established university would be at least as good as one for this correspondence school. Therefor will they be send me a cheque for the difference between my current salary and the $103k mentioned above? Also is this backdated for the previous years I've worked on a lower salary?

Oh this is just like winning the lottery!

# 202: Living on the edge

2007-06-12T23:02:00.001+01:00

You know I think i'm playing with fire on this one but that the kind of mood I'm in tonight!

I was going to do a post about how much fun I used to have mocking the ladies on "jailbabes.com" the prison internet personals site, but,,,,,,,,,, It's seems to be back under a different name so let the mocking recommence!

Meet Krystyne of the CCA Bridgeport PPT Facility. For a start I think she means Christine but I'll let that slip for now. Everything below in quotes is here words the rest are mine!

"I am a 20 year old, 5'7", 143 lb. green eyed woman with a good smile." - All good so for as long as your the one with the jeans!

"I have a wonderful personality, great sense of humor and lots of spunk." - Personality tick, great sense of humor tick, lots of spunk, what the f**k!!! where did you get that from?!? Look if your wanting to sell Spunk on-line this is the wrong site! Also go you really have the proper facilities in prison to freeze spunk to the correct temperature for storage? Have you thought this through?

"I'm very open-minded and caring." - No s**t your in prison and wanting a boyfriend on the outside your hardly in a position to start making demands about their character.

"I have made some bad choices and do not plan on traveling that path again." - One would hope. mind you what were you going to say 'criminal genious seeks like minded male for fun, romance, and world domination?

"I am in search of a non-judgmental friend with a sense of humor and time to ease mine." - Well apart from that not making much sence, non-judgmental so not someone who was in the twelve then! and as for time there going to need plenty of that!

"Release Date: July 10, 2010" - S**t you've got three years left to serve what the f**k did you do?!?

# 201: 12000 hits

2007-06-12T22:50:00.000+01:00

I've just had may 12,000th hit!

As usual the google search that brought the person here was for "Cheryl Tweedy Tattoo".

I'm being to think that the internet was acutally invented so that people could look at has been Geordie pop princesses body art!

Or well here's another picture for you, enjoy!

# 200: 200th Post

2007-06-11T23:31:00.000+01:00

It's my 200th post!!!! In the 100th post I did a list of the FHM 100 Sexist women in the world 2005 and you would not believe how many hits i got from it, so for purely cynical reasons heres a list of ever woman thats ever appeared in an FHM top 100 list!

# 199: Shitcoms

2007-06-11T23:19:00.000+01:00

In honor of the post the other day I think I'm going to start doing posts about shit sitcoms, or as I call them "shitcoms".

A classic shitcom is Bram and Alice, the show revolves around Bram who is nymphomaniac who tries to have sex with his long lost daughter, with "hilarious" consequences. The only possible entertainment that can be gamed from the show is hoping that Alfred Molina (Bram) will reprise his Spider-Man II role of Dr. Octavius and go on a killing spree.